Brain Dump

So, for some reason this entire year, I have been avoiding journaling or blogging of any kind. I'm not really sure why. But right now I am having a really really hard time with a paper- because I am a senior and frankly have no motivation whatsoever to focus, and so I need to brain dump. I need to just start typing so that can get in the flow of things and make this very simple paper happen. So here it goes- Enjoy and hopefully it will make me feel a lot better.

I had an interview with AT&T today. I really think it went well. I don't want to say anything because of course I don't know the applicants. Finding my way in this crazy economy has proved to be much more difficult than I realized. I think it will be easier once I am out of school, but right now it has been really tough. There are so many thing on my mind- moving, leaving California, getting school done, finding a job, finding a place to live, benefits, money, weddings...And the list goes on. It seems like I suddenly have this new wave of responsibility that I'm not quite sure I want. And frankly, my parents haven't really prepared me for everything I will be paying for. Rent, Utilties, Food, Furniture, Insurance, Gas, Cell Phone Bill- it takes a lot for a person to live in America. So many bills all around. I wish I could just have one bill that paid for everything. I guess I really don't wish that but I do wish that I had a greater understanding of what comes next. And yet, somehow it is all falling into place. Its really blowing my mind. I was so stressed this time last month and now I just have this overwhelming peace of the fact that its all going to work itself out. God is working and He is going to put me where He wants me. And its amazing that I am learning what trust means in so many different capacites. First I learned it with Pepperdine and you would have thought that would have been a big enough lesson. And yet, here I am again, thinking about leaving and freaking out even more than I did before. But think about what comes next: Oklahoma, marriage, Germany, career... College I can handle. College was familiar. I know how to do that. Those things... are beyond me... And yet somehow I'm going to figure it out. And I am gaining a greater understanding of what it means when they say that it really is all about the journey. Because it really is all about the journey. The destination is fun but getting there is the best part.

New Adventures

So tonight was the first night of my internship. Okay, not really. But I am so looking forward to it that I couldn't wait any longer and so I went up to meet the kids and just see what was going on. Afterwards, I was so on fire. I was almost in tears on my way home because I am so excited about this summer. I can't even really explain it because it really was a feeling- but I guess it felt kind of like a spiritual high. You know when you get back from church camp and you just feel like on fire for God and ready to take on the world? It was that feeling mixed with this major feeling of responsibility, like this great task had been bestowed upon me and I was the chosen one. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little bit, but you get the point. The point is that I can't wait to be with these kids and get to know them and learn about who they are and learn how to teach them. I realized tonight that I really need to have a job where I work with people- probably with kids. I just thrive on it. I thrive on going to a place where there's all these people who know who you are and know your story and you know them and know their story. And now I have all these kids that are starving for attention and I get to be the one that for three solid months gives them as much attention as they can handle. Its going to be incredible.

It feels like nothing's happened unless I've shared it with you...

Then I started driving around and I really wanted to talk to someone.
And I started praying and then it all kind of hit me. And I drove around and I watched all these streets go by

Color Quiz

Krista took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Strives for a life rich in activity and experience..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

This Place

It seems like a paradox to me that I would want to experience and learn as much as I possibly could but I have this tremendous fear of change. I fear change like I fear death. And when change comes its never nearly as bad as death but the anticipation of life being different scares the hell out of me.

So tonight I decided- it's okay to change. When I was a child, I thought like a child...and now, well most of the time I still think like a child. But the idea is that it's okay for a place, or a person, or an event to change me, to have an effect on me. I guess that's truly what I'm afraid of. Has this place, have this people changed me? They have. I am so different. I am going to write more about this later but it's amazing to me and I think I will see it even moreso when I am home this summer. But the girl I used to be no longer exists. And I'm okay with that because I like who I now way better than the person I used to be. I am coming into myself a lot more and realizing talents and passions that may have never been uncovered.

I am such an artist at heart. I just want to create all the time. And I think what it truly is is that I recognize that we all see the world very differently. No two people have the same experience. But somehow through my words or pictures or drawings or music or whatever I want you to understand on a deeper level the experience that I'm having. And then in turn find a way to better understand the experience that you are having. I guess that's why I get so lost in music sometimes. Because I think that if people can understand these words and the way the music behind the words makes me feel then they can understand my reality a little bit better. Music is so universal- it speaks to us all at the same time and you alone all at once. And I get so frustrated when people listen to music with me and don't pay attention or listen or understand. To me its like I'm sharing with you part of who I am and you want to change the station?

So I want to create because I want to be known. And I want other people to create because I want to know them. One thing I have noticed with people a lot lately is that oftentimes you will ask them a question and they will respond but they won't ask a question back. Like today, Daniel and Ryan wanted to share their prayer requests but when it was my turn to share suddenly everyone was looking at their watches or playing with their straws. In the Arab culture, this is considered a sign of disrespect and extremely impolite. Somehow I think it is in the American culture, too. It frustrates me when people don't reciprocate. Can you imagine how much deeper and stronger our relationships would be if when I asked you how you were, waited for answer, and then you responded with how you were and asking me the question back and also waiting for answer. But the collective whole in America is not as important as the individual. It's hard for you to understand my song because you only understand the words to your own music.

But no matter what, no matter where I've gone, what I've done I've always taken something away from the places and the people. Lately, I have found myself doing this less and less. What have I learned from the people here? Could I tell you something that I've gotten from each person that I am close to here? Is that even really important or is the important thing just cultivating and upkeeping the relationship?

The point I guess I'm trying to make is that maybe I haven't conquered this place because in my mind conquered means overcome. But maybe instead I have just taken it all in. And that's how I would want it to be anyways. Maybe the truth is that this place will be with me for the rest of my life and the lessons here have shaped the person that I am. So as much as I thought this place needed me, the truth is is that I needed this place. So I haven't been defeated by it but rather educated.

UnSettledness

I can't sit still. I can't stop moving. My mind cannot stop racing. Racing over what? Everything. I can't even think straight because all my thoughts are criss-crossing and the tension in back is rising up into my neck. Oh brother. I just need the next 7 days to be over. I need this paper to be done. I need banquet to be done. I need to just breathe. But I can't even sit still. Even when we were praying today I couldn't sit still. The end.

Checking Out

I am officially checked out. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to study. I don't want to write a paper. I don't want to learn. I don't want to read.

I want to play. I want to sit in the sun. I want to read for pleasure. I want to go to Germany. I want to work. I want to just be. My brain is fried. My mind is set on next week. One week and one day and I will be officially finished. I have so much to do until then but the point is that I will be finished. However, getting to that point is going to be so painful. I don't want to work hard anymore. I don't want to have 5 classes to think about. I'm ready for this year to end. It is time for this year to end.

All that being said I am going to get a good night's rest so I can be ready to go tomorrow for some hard work. There's just so much to do...and only one week to do it. I can't wait for next Friday.

Wisdom

Sometimes I get too annoyed with people my age and how out of touch with reality they really are. I also love and adore this time because we do have no limits. No star is out of reach. Its just that sometimes if people could recognize things about themselves it would make life a lot easier on everyone else. I guess maybe I just know who I am. Or maybe I know less than anyone else.

What I do know is that life is all about choices and you are a product of your choices. Think about that when you choose tomorrow.