This Place

It seems like a paradox to me that I would want to experience and learn as much as I possibly could but I have this tremendous fear of change. I fear change like I fear death. And when change comes its never nearly as bad as death but the anticipation of life being different scares the hell out of me.

So tonight I decided- it's okay to change. When I was a child, I thought like a child...and now, well most of the time I still think like a child. But the idea is that it's okay for a place, or a person, or an event to change me, to have an effect on me. I guess that's truly what I'm afraid of. Has this place, have this people changed me? They have. I am so different. I am going to write more about this later but it's amazing to me and I think I will see it even moreso when I am home this summer. But the girl I used to be no longer exists. And I'm okay with that because I like who I now way better than the person I used to be. I am coming into myself a lot more and realizing talents and passions that may have never been uncovered.

I am such an artist at heart. I just want to create all the time. And I think what it truly is is that I recognize that we all see the world very differently. No two people have the same experience. But somehow through my words or pictures or drawings or music or whatever I want you to understand on a deeper level the experience that I'm having. And then in turn find a way to better understand the experience that you are having. I guess that's why I get so lost in music sometimes. Because I think that if people can understand these words and the way the music behind the words makes me feel then they can understand my reality a little bit better. Music is so universal- it speaks to us all at the same time and you alone all at once. And I get so frustrated when people listen to music with me and don't pay attention or listen or understand. To me its like I'm sharing with you part of who I am and you want to change the station?

So I want to create because I want to be known. And I want other people to create because I want to know them. One thing I have noticed with people a lot lately is that oftentimes you will ask them a question and they will respond but they won't ask a question back. Like today, Daniel and Ryan wanted to share their prayer requests but when it was my turn to share suddenly everyone was looking at their watches or playing with their straws. In the Arab culture, this is considered a sign of disrespect and extremely impolite. Somehow I think it is in the American culture, too. It frustrates me when people don't reciprocate. Can you imagine how much deeper and stronger our relationships would be if when I asked you how you were, waited for answer, and then you responded with how you were and asking me the question back and also waiting for answer. But the collective whole in America is not as important as the individual. It's hard for you to understand my song because you only understand the words to your own music.

But no matter what, no matter where I've gone, what I've done I've always taken something away from the places and the people. Lately, I have found myself doing this less and less. What have I learned from the people here? Could I tell you something that I've gotten from each person that I am close to here? Is that even really important or is the important thing just cultivating and upkeeping the relationship?

The point I guess I'm trying to make is that maybe I haven't conquered this place because in my mind conquered means overcome. But maybe instead I have just taken it all in. And that's how I would want it to be anyways. Maybe the truth is that this place will be with me for the rest of my life and the lessons here have shaped the person that I am. So as much as I thought this place needed me, the truth is is that I needed this place. So I haven't been defeated by it but rather educated.