New Adventures

So tonight was the first night of my internship. Okay, not really. But I am so looking forward to it that I couldn't wait any longer and so I went up to meet the kids and just see what was going on. Afterwards, I was so on fire. I was almost in tears on my way home because I am so excited about this summer. I can't even really explain it because it really was a feeling- but I guess it felt kind of like a spiritual high. You know when you get back from church camp and you just feel like on fire for God and ready to take on the world? It was that feeling mixed with this major feeling of responsibility, like this great task had been bestowed upon me and I was the chosen one. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little bit, but you get the point. The point is that I can't wait to be with these kids and get to know them and learn about who they are and learn how to teach them. I realized tonight that I really need to have a job where I work with people- probably with kids. I just thrive on it. I thrive on going to a place where there's all these people who know who you are and know your story and you know them and know their story. And now I have all these kids that are starving for attention and I get to be the one that for three solid months gives them as much attention as they can handle. Its going to be incredible.

It feels like nothing's happened unless I've shared it with you...

Then I started driving around and I really wanted to talk to someone.
And I started praying and then it all kind of hit me. And I drove around and I watched all these streets go by

Color Quiz

Krista took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Strives for a life rich in activity and experience..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

This Place

It seems like a paradox to me that I would want to experience and learn as much as I possibly could but I have this tremendous fear of change. I fear change like I fear death. And when change comes its never nearly as bad as death but the anticipation of life being different scares the hell out of me.

So tonight I decided- it's okay to change. When I was a child, I thought like a child...and now, well most of the time I still think like a child. But the idea is that it's okay for a place, or a person, or an event to change me, to have an effect on me. I guess that's truly what I'm afraid of. Has this place, have this people changed me? They have. I am so different. I am going to write more about this later but it's amazing to me and I think I will see it even moreso when I am home this summer. But the girl I used to be no longer exists. And I'm okay with that because I like who I now way better than the person I used to be. I am coming into myself a lot more and realizing talents and passions that may have never been uncovered.

I am such an artist at heart. I just want to create all the time. And I think what it truly is is that I recognize that we all see the world very differently. No two people have the same experience. But somehow through my words or pictures or drawings or music or whatever I want you to understand on a deeper level the experience that I'm having. And then in turn find a way to better understand the experience that you are having. I guess that's why I get so lost in music sometimes. Because I think that if people can understand these words and the way the music behind the words makes me feel then they can understand my reality a little bit better. Music is so universal- it speaks to us all at the same time and you alone all at once. And I get so frustrated when people listen to music with me and don't pay attention or listen or understand. To me its like I'm sharing with you part of who I am and you want to change the station?

So I want to create because I want to be known. And I want other people to create because I want to know them. One thing I have noticed with people a lot lately is that oftentimes you will ask them a question and they will respond but they won't ask a question back. Like today, Daniel and Ryan wanted to share their prayer requests but when it was my turn to share suddenly everyone was looking at their watches or playing with their straws. In the Arab culture, this is considered a sign of disrespect and extremely impolite. Somehow I think it is in the American culture, too. It frustrates me when people don't reciprocate. Can you imagine how much deeper and stronger our relationships would be if when I asked you how you were, waited for answer, and then you responded with how you were and asking me the question back and also waiting for answer. But the collective whole in America is not as important as the individual. It's hard for you to understand my song because you only understand the words to your own music.

But no matter what, no matter where I've gone, what I've done I've always taken something away from the places and the people. Lately, I have found myself doing this less and less. What have I learned from the people here? Could I tell you something that I've gotten from each person that I am close to here? Is that even really important or is the important thing just cultivating and upkeeping the relationship?

The point I guess I'm trying to make is that maybe I haven't conquered this place because in my mind conquered means overcome. But maybe instead I have just taken it all in. And that's how I would want it to be anyways. Maybe the truth is that this place will be with me for the rest of my life and the lessons here have shaped the person that I am. So as much as I thought this place needed me, the truth is is that I needed this place. So I haven't been defeated by it but rather educated.

UnSettledness

I can't sit still. I can't stop moving. My mind cannot stop racing. Racing over what? Everything. I can't even think straight because all my thoughts are criss-crossing and the tension in back is rising up into my neck. Oh brother. I just need the next 7 days to be over. I need this paper to be done. I need banquet to be done. I need to just breathe. But I can't even sit still. Even when we were praying today I couldn't sit still. The end.

Checking Out

I am officially checked out. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to study. I don't want to write a paper. I don't want to learn. I don't want to read.

I want to play. I want to sit in the sun. I want to read for pleasure. I want to go to Germany. I want to work. I want to just be. My brain is fried. My mind is set on next week. One week and one day and I will be officially finished. I have so much to do until then but the point is that I will be finished. However, getting to that point is going to be so painful. I don't want to work hard anymore. I don't want to have 5 classes to think about. I'm ready for this year to end. It is time for this year to end.

All that being said I am going to get a good night's rest so I can be ready to go tomorrow for some hard work. There's just so much to do...and only one week to do it. I can't wait for next Friday.

Wisdom

Sometimes I get too annoyed with people my age and how out of touch with reality they really are. I also love and adore this time because we do have no limits. No star is out of reach. Its just that sometimes if people could recognize things about themselves it would make life a lot easier on everyone else. I guess maybe I just know who I am. Or maybe I know less than anyone else.

What I do know is that life is all about choices and you are a product of your choices. Think about that when you choose tomorrow.

One More Day

Dear Blog,

Here's what happened. Chris missed his plane tonight. Yes it seems really bad but the angel of a woman at the ticket counter switched his ticket for FREE to tomorrow. Which means...we get one more night. How amazing is that? I think that God is answering a prayer with all of this. I really really wasn't ready for him to go but with one more night I think I can handle it. I love miracles. Chris is my miracle. Amer.

Lucky Man

Since my girlfriend is too tired to write anything tonight and I just don't have the heart to wake her up, so I guess I will write a few thoughts tonight. The idea of this blog was that she would write in it every night and attempt to change the world. Turns out to be a harder task than originally thought. We have missed a few nights and I take part of the responsibility for that. I am the one that is suppose to remind her to write (We are a team--If she fails than I fail, when she wins I win). So by proxy this is my blog too, so I will take the time to write. She always writes so many wonderful and beautiful things about me and our relationship, so I think I will return the favor.

I am the luckiest man alive. I have the best woman in the world. She is my encouragement, my safe place, my best friend. She is without a doubt the woman I want my by side for the rest of my life. I can't wait to share all of our adventures together. She is amazingly gorgeous, and captivating. Sometimes all I can do is stare. In short she is my everything.

She's the hand that I'm holding when I'm on my knees and prayin'
She's the answer to my prayers and she's the song that I'm playin'
And she's everything I ever wanted, everything I need
I talk about her I go on and on and on
Cause she's everything to me.

I AM THE LUCKIEST...

History

So I am writing my history paper on writing down history. I know that it might sound weird...but I think that these last few weeks of learning about racism in America has really enlightened me. Maybe its just hard being the one that is considered the most racist and always having people bitter towards me just because of the color of my skin. However, I would argue that too in itself is racism. Racism is not just towards people of colored skin although some will argue that it is. Racism can be turned the other way as well. My paper is going to argue that maybe by teaching history we are allowing the past to live in the present. Maybe we are allowing the past to have power in the present by getting our identities from where we came from. It should prove me be quite an interesting paper. I'll let you know.

Btw, Chris is coming tonight. He was supposed to be here in like 30 minutes but his plane got delayed. Bummer, huh? I really can't wait...I mean really. Maybe I should just start driving to the airport and hope the plane is there when I get there. Okay I'm done. Love. Bye

Btw, I love Jesus.

Puzzle Pieces

I guess it's just so hard for me to understand how one person can think that they are so meant for you and yet you know for certain that you are meant for them. I mean I understand in the sense for the longest time I thought that I was meant for Jason, and yet I soon found out that I wasn't at all meant for him and really was meant for so much more. But we are both in agreement now that we are definitely not meant for each other. But with David it's different. He's still so convinced. He has such a strong feeling that this is supposed to be and that we are right together. Why? How? Why can't he see what I see? I guess it makes me question the whole idea of "meant to be" and "the one". I really want to believe in the idea that there are two parts broken apart and spend their life finding the piece that fits them. I love that idea. And maybe the difference is that some pieces are really really close to fitting and so you can be deceived in thinking that this piece is in fact the one that fits...when in reality it doesn't fit perfectly- it just fits because you are ignoring the little space between the part that doesn't exactly fit.

Just bend the pieces til it fits...like they were made for it...but they weren't meant for this...

I have a picture that I drew of a puzzle before David and I ever started David but it was about him. And it was a puzzle with a D piece missing showing that the K piece won't fit and it has the above lyrics on it. Ironically, Chris and I always use the metaphor of the puzzle piece for our relationship. Only we use it saying that "all the pieces keep falling into place". Which to me means that not just one piece fits, we don't just fit each other, but rather all the pieces fit- we fit each other and by fitting each other all the other pieces in our life fit us as a couple.

So why is David still trying to figure out the last puzzle? Why can't he see that all those pieces aren't part of the same puzzle- and they will never fit. I hope that one day he finds the perfect puzzle in which all the pieces perfectly fit.

Waiting

So I wait and I wait and I run myself in the same old circles
I sit and I stare and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days that we laid by the school and said forever- was it the best I'll ever be?

I am so checked out right now. That's all I have to say. I want to go home. I love home and Chris and this summer. That is all.

Stretching It

Hey group,

I just wanted to let you guys know that small group will be from 4:15-5 tomorrow because of Hamlet. I hope you guys can make it. We will be reading a nice little book together :) Okay love you!

-Krista

Picture Perfect

Barbara and I had our pictures made together this morning at the beach and in some flowers. It was awesome. I want to be a photographer. I want a really nice camera. Not super nice but one that is nicer than the one that I have now. I want to learn to take pictures. I want me and my mom to open a business together. Okay, the end. I love taking pictures. I want a nice camera.

Remembering

I think that Spring Break really proved to me how amazing living with Chris is going to be. I was kind of nervous before because we had never had that much concentrated time together, and we were going to be together for 7 full days. I was afraid that this was going to break us and that we were going to realize that maybe we could talk for days at a time but living together was another story. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After Spring Break, I am completely convinced that I could live with him forever and be completely happy, completely loved, completely taken care of. He is such an amazing man and we are so amazing together. And through everything, even the mistakes and the stumbles, I know how good his heart is and I haven’t ever felt like I wanted to throw in the towel. He has such a good heart. Anyways, so my Valentine’s Day was Sunday. He arrived at my house with white roses and German coffee in a to go cup. J Perfect. Then we started driving to Oklahoma and I pulled out a mixed CD I had made him for Valentine’s Day that said “It’s like I wrote every note with my own fingers, don’t ever change my Funny Valentine”. He kind of paused, reached behind the seat and pulled out a mixed CD he had made me that said “It’s like I wrote every note with my own fingers”. We were both like…really? It was precious. So all the way to Oklahoma we had amazing music singing to us about how in love we are. Then we arrived and unfortunately Kevin’s (his roommate) mom was there so things couldn’t be set up like he imagined. But we went in and there were two bottles of wine, wine glasses, a chocolate champagne bottle, a huge bag of conversation hearts, a bottle of Nutella, a box of German coffee, and a vase for my roses. Are you kidding? Who is this guy? And on top that he borrowed The Notebook so we could watch it while we ate the dinner we are going to make. So, explanation for the conversation hearts: I love conversation hearts. One year my ex boyfriend also named Chris bought be a huge bag of conversation hearts as reparations for rejecting conversation hearts I had given him earlier in the week.

Permanence

Dear Blog,

I think I am going to get a tattoo. And someone else important in my life is also going to get a tattoo. It makes me nervous because of the reality that it will always always be there. But at the same time, it is really cool cause it will be "our" thing. I'm really excited about it actually. I'm really nervous but really excited. This is it you know. And we do so many exciting things together. It's amazing. I love it :) And I love him. It makes me nervous too because this is like the first step of commitment you know? Its like I know that once I do this then I'm all in. With David it scared me to death. This time...it just excites me :)

Just so you know, this thing were doing...I'm in, I'm all in.

Not What It Used To Be

Dear Blog,

This thing with you and I is not worknig out so hot. You have become more of a chore. I'm tired, I want to sleep but I have to write in my blog...So tired. I really want aPomegrante Blueberry Latte.
Maybe tomorrow we can resolve our problems over it. I really want you to be useful.

Love, ME

Heaven

Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven? Would it be the same, if I saw you in Heaven?

I think that this is what Heaven is going to be like. Or maybe, its just that I hope that this is what Heaven is going to be like. There were probably 1000 people there tonight. It was incredible.

Black

If we are a generation that doesn't see color, then why are you showing us that we are different colors? I never noticed it before. I never realized it until you pointed it out to me. Maybe the racism continues because we continue to give power to the idea that we are different cultures that can never fully share an understanding of each other. Maybe we should allow our children to be color-blind.

Good things about today:
- Talked to Steven who will be interning with me this summer
- Got an Acai smoothie
- Talked to Traci about her and Bryan getting married :) :) :) :)
- Counted down the days until Germany
- Talked to Chris (but then again thats the good thing about everyday)