New Adventures

So tonight was the first night of my internship. Okay, not really. But I am so looking forward to it that I couldn't wait any longer and so I went up to meet the kids and just see what was going on. Afterwards, I was so on fire. I was almost in tears on my way home because I am so excited about this summer. I can't even really explain it because it really was a feeling- but I guess it felt kind of like a spiritual high. You know when you get back from church camp and you just feel like on fire for God and ready to take on the world? It was that feeling mixed with this major feeling of responsibility, like this great task had been bestowed upon me and I was the chosen one. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little bit, but you get the point. The point is that I can't wait to be with these kids and get to know them and learn about who they are and learn how to teach them. I realized tonight that I really need to have a job where I work with people- probably with kids. I just thrive on it. I thrive on going to a place where there's all these people who know who you are and know your story and you know them and know their story. And now I have all these kids that are starving for attention and I get to be the one that for three solid months gives them as much attention as they can handle. Its going to be incredible.

It feels like nothing's happened unless I've shared it with you...

Then I started driving around and I really wanted to talk to someone.
And I started praying and then it all kind of hit me. And I drove around and I watched all these streets go by

Color Quiz

Krista took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Strives for a life rich in activity and experience..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

This Place

It seems like a paradox to me that I would want to experience and learn as much as I possibly could but I have this tremendous fear of change. I fear change like I fear death. And when change comes its never nearly as bad as death but the anticipation of life being different scares the hell out of me.

So tonight I decided- it's okay to change. When I was a child, I thought like a child...and now, well most of the time I still think like a child. But the idea is that it's okay for a place, or a person, or an event to change me, to have an effect on me. I guess that's truly what I'm afraid of. Has this place, have this people changed me? They have. I am so different. I am going to write more about this later but it's amazing to me and I think I will see it even moreso when I am home this summer. But the girl I used to be no longer exists. And I'm okay with that because I like who I now way better than the person I used to be. I am coming into myself a lot more and realizing talents and passions that may have never been uncovered.

I am such an artist at heart. I just want to create all the time. And I think what it truly is is that I recognize that we all see the world very differently. No two people have the same experience. But somehow through my words or pictures or drawings or music or whatever I want you to understand on a deeper level the experience that I'm having. And then in turn find a way to better understand the experience that you are having. I guess that's why I get so lost in music sometimes. Because I think that if people can understand these words and the way the music behind the words makes me feel then they can understand my reality a little bit better. Music is so universal- it speaks to us all at the same time and you alone all at once. And I get so frustrated when people listen to music with me and don't pay attention or listen or understand. To me its like I'm sharing with you part of who I am and you want to change the station?

So I want to create because I want to be known. And I want other people to create because I want to know them. One thing I have noticed with people a lot lately is that oftentimes you will ask them a question and they will respond but they won't ask a question back. Like today, Daniel and Ryan wanted to share their prayer requests but when it was my turn to share suddenly everyone was looking at their watches or playing with their straws. In the Arab culture, this is considered a sign of disrespect and extremely impolite. Somehow I think it is in the American culture, too. It frustrates me when people don't reciprocate. Can you imagine how much deeper and stronger our relationships would be if when I asked you how you were, waited for answer, and then you responded with how you were and asking me the question back and also waiting for answer. But the collective whole in America is not as important as the individual. It's hard for you to understand my song because you only understand the words to your own music.

But no matter what, no matter where I've gone, what I've done I've always taken something away from the places and the people. Lately, I have found myself doing this less and less. What have I learned from the people here? Could I tell you something that I've gotten from each person that I am close to here? Is that even really important or is the important thing just cultivating and upkeeping the relationship?

The point I guess I'm trying to make is that maybe I haven't conquered this place because in my mind conquered means overcome. But maybe instead I have just taken it all in. And that's how I would want it to be anyways. Maybe the truth is that this place will be with me for the rest of my life and the lessons here have shaped the person that I am. So as much as I thought this place needed me, the truth is is that I needed this place. So I haven't been defeated by it but rather educated.

UnSettledness

I can't sit still. I can't stop moving. My mind cannot stop racing. Racing over what? Everything. I can't even think straight because all my thoughts are criss-crossing and the tension in back is rising up into my neck. Oh brother. I just need the next 7 days to be over. I need this paper to be done. I need banquet to be done. I need to just breathe. But I can't even sit still. Even when we were praying today I couldn't sit still. The end.

Checking Out

I am officially checked out. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to study. I don't want to write a paper. I don't want to learn. I don't want to read.

I want to play. I want to sit in the sun. I want to read for pleasure. I want to go to Germany. I want to work. I want to just be. My brain is fried. My mind is set on next week. One week and one day and I will be officially finished. I have so much to do until then but the point is that I will be finished. However, getting to that point is going to be so painful. I don't want to work hard anymore. I don't want to have 5 classes to think about. I'm ready for this year to end. It is time for this year to end.

All that being said I am going to get a good night's rest so I can be ready to go tomorrow for some hard work. There's just so much to do...and only one week to do it. I can't wait for next Friday.

Wisdom

Sometimes I get too annoyed with people my age and how out of touch with reality they really are. I also love and adore this time because we do have no limits. No star is out of reach. Its just that sometimes if people could recognize things about themselves it would make life a lot easier on everyone else. I guess maybe I just know who I am. Or maybe I know less than anyone else.

What I do know is that life is all about choices and you are a product of your choices. Think about that when you choose tomorrow.

One More Day

Dear Blog,

Here's what happened. Chris missed his plane tonight. Yes it seems really bad but the angel of a woman at the ticket counter switched his ticket for FREE to tomorrow. Which means...we get one more night. How amazing is that? I think that God is answering a prayer with all of this. I really really wasn't ready for him to go but with one more night I think I can handle it. I love miracles. Chris is my miracle. Amer.

Lucky Man

Since my girlfriend is too tired to write anything tonight and I just don't have the heart to wake her up, so I guess I will write a few thoughts tonight. The idea of this blog was that she would write in it every night and attempt to change the world. Turns out to be a harder task than originally thought. We have missed a few nights and I take part of the responsibility for that. I am the one that is suppose to remind her to write (We are a team--If she fails than I fail, when she wins I win). So by proxy this is my blog too, so I will take the time to write. She always writes so many wonderful and beautiful things about me and our relationship, so I think I will return the favor.

I am the luckiest man alive. I have the best woman in the world. She is my encouragement, my safe place, my best friend. She is without a doubt the woman I want my by side for the rest of my life. I can't wait to share all of our adventures together. She is amazingly gorgeous, and captivating. Sometimes all I can do is stare. In short she is my everything.

She's the hand that I'm holding when I'm on my knees and prayin'
She's the answer to my prayers and she's the song that I'm playin'
And she's everything I ever wanted, everything I need
I talk about her I go on and on and on
Cause she's everything to me.

I AM THE LUCKIEST...

History

So I am writing my history paper on writing down history. I know that it might sound weird...but I think that these last few weeks of learning about racism in America has really enlightened me. Maybe its just hard being the one that is considered the most racist and always having people bitter towards me just because of the color of my skin. However, I would argue that too in itself is racism. Racism is not just towards people of colored skin although some will argue that it is. Racism can be turned the other way as well. My paper is going to argue that maybe by teaching history we are allowing the past to live in the present. Maybe we are allowing the past to have power in the present by getting our identities from where we came from. It should prove me be quite an interesting paper. I'll let you know.

Btw, Chris is coming tonight. He was supposed to be here in like 30 minutes but his plane got delayed. Bummer, huh? I really can't wait...I mean really. Maybe I should just start driving to the airport and hope the plane is there when I get there. Okay I'm done. Love. Bye

Btw, I love Jesus.

Puzzle Pieces

I guess it's just so hard for me to understand how one person can think that they are so meant for you and yet you know for certain that you are meant for them. I mean I understand in the sense for the longest time I thought that I was meant for Jason, and yet I soon found out that I wasn't at all meant for him and really was meant for so much more. But we are both in agreement now that we are definitely not meant for each other. But with David it's different. He's still so convinced. He has such a strong feeling that this is supposed to be and that we are right together. Why? How? Why can't he see what I see? I guess it makes me question the whole idea of "meant to be" and "the one". I really want to believe in the idea that there are two parts broken apart and spend their life finding the piece that fits them. I love that idea. And maybe the difference is that some pieces are really really close to fitting and so you can be deceived in thinking that this piece is in fact the one that fits...when in reality it doesn't fit perfectly- it just fits because you are ignoring the little space between the part that doesn't exactly fit.

Just bend the pieces til it fits...like they were made for it...but they weren't meant for this...

I have a picture that I drew of a puzzle before David and I ever started David but it was about him. And it was a puzzle with a D piece missing showing that the K piece won't fit and it has the above lyrics on it. Ironically, Chris and I always use the metaphor of the puzzle piece for our relationship. Only we use it saying that "all the pieces keep falling into place". Which to me means that not just one piece fits, we don't just fit each other, but rather all the pieces fit- we fit each other and by fitting each other all the other pieces in our life fit us as a couple.

So why is David still trying to figure out the last puzzle? Why can't he see that all those pieces aren't part of the same puzzle- and they will never fit. I hope that one day he finds the perfect puzzle in which all the pieces perfectly fit.

Waiting

So I wait and I wait and I run myself in the same old circles
I sit and I stare and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days that we laid by the school and said forever- was it the best I'll ever be?

I am so checked out right now. That's all I have to say. I want to go home. I love home and Chris and this summer. That is all.

Stretching It

Hey group,

I just wanted to let you guys know that small group will be from 4:15-5 tomorrow because of Hamlet. I hope you guys can make it. We will be reading a nice little book together :) Okay love you!

-Krista

Picture Perfect

Barbara and I had our pictures made together this morning at the beach and in some flowers. It was awesome. I want to be a photographer. I want a really nice camera. Not super nice but one that is nicer than the one that I have now. I want to learn to take pictures. I want me and my mom to open a business together. Okay, the end. I love taking pictures. I want a nice camera.

Remembering

I think that Spring Break really proved to me how amazing living with Chris is going to be. I was kind of nervous before because we had never had that much concentrated time together, and we were going to be together for 7 full days. I was afraid that this was going to break us and that we were going to realize that maybe we could talk for days at a time but living together was another story. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After Spring Break, I am completely convinced that I could live with him forever and be completely happy, completely loved, completely taken care of. He is such an amazing man and we are so amazing together. And through everything, even the mistakes and the stumbles, I know how good his heart is and I haven’t ever felt like I wanted to throw in the towel. He has such a good heart. Anyways, so my Valentine’s Day was Sunday. He arrived at my house with white roses and German coffee in a to go cup. J Perfect. Then we started driving to Oklahoma and I pulled out a mixed CD I had made him for Valentine’s Day that said “It’s like I wrote every note with my own fingers, don’t ever change my Funny Valentine”. He kind of paused, reached behind the seat and pulled out a mixed CD he had made me that said “It’s like I wrote every note with my own fingers”. We were both like…really? It was precious. So all the way to Oklahoma we had amazing music singing to us about how in love we are. Then we arrived and unfortunately Kevin’s (his roommate) mom was there so things couldn’t be set up like he imagined. But we went in and there were two bottles of wine, wine glasses, a chocolate champagne bottle, a huge bag of conversation hearts, a bottle of Nutella, a box of German coffee, and a vase for my roses. Are you kidding? Who is this guy? And on top that he borrowed The Notebook so we could watch it while we ate the dinner we are going to make. So, explanation for the conversation hearts: I love conversation hearts. One year my ex boyfriend also named Chris bought be a huge bag of conversation hearts as reparations for rejecting conversation hearts I had given him earlier in the week.

Permanence

Dear Blog,

I think I am going to get a tattoo. And someone else important in my life is also going to get a tattoo. It makes me nervous because of the reality that it will always always be there. But at the same time, it is really cool cause it will be "our" thing. I'm really excited about it actually. I'm really nervous but really excited. This is it you know. And we do so many exciting things together. It's amazing. I love it :) And I love him. It makes me nervous too because this is like the first step of commitment you know? Its like I know that once I do this then I'm all in. With David it scared me to death. This time...it just excites me :)

Just so you know, this thing were doing...I'm in, I'm all in.

Not What It Used To Be

Dear Blog,

This thing with you and I is not worknig out so hot. You have become more of a chore. I'm tired, I want to sleep but I have to write in my blog...So tired. I really want aPomegrante Blueberry Latte.
Maybe tomorrow we can resolve our problems over it. I really want you to be useful.

Love, ME

Heaven

Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven? Would it be the same, if I saw you in Heaven?

I think that this is what Heaven is going to be like. Or maybe, its just that I hope that this is what Heaven is going to be like. There were probably 1000 people there tonight. It was incredible.

Black

If we are a generation that doesn't see color, then why are you showing us that we are different colors? I never noticed it before. I never realized it until you pointed it out to me. Maybe the racism continues because we continue to give power to the idea that we are different cultures that can never fully share an understanding of each other. Maybe we should allow our children to be color-blind.

Good things about today:
- Talked to Steven who will be interning with me this summer
- Got an Acai smoothie
- Talked to Traci about her and Bryan getting married :) :) :) :)
- Counted down the days until Germany
- Talked to Chris (but then again thats the good thing about everyday)

Imagery

This summer I want to teach those girls that we are all made in the image of God. This being said the truth would hold that we are all actually made in the image of God. This is where the Love Your Enemies statement comes into play. It was today that I realized no matter how much I dislike someone or how much stress they are causing me, they are showing me something about God. As a Christian, it is my job to find whatver it is and learn more about my Creator and have a greater appreciation for the person. Caution: this is much harder than it seems.

Stewardship

Dear God,

Please help us to be good stewards of your blessings. I know we don't deserve it but You have graciously bestowed it upon us. Sometimes it is so hard to love your enemies but God teach us what that means. Show us how to give unconditionally while loving unconditionally and give us the strength to be those kinds of givers.

I love you.

In the spot there will be an entry I wrote in my journal- the end

A Blank

I had something really interesting that I was going to write about tonight but as I sit here I am drawing a blank. I really don't understand where this came from. I was so happy earlier today. I mean ridiculously happy and stress-free and everything was so good. And then tonight I came home and I sat and watched TV alone and then did the dishes alone and then folded laundry alone...and well I guess when its nighttime and I'm doing all those things in the dark alone, it makes me feel, well really lonely. And then lonely leads to depressed. And well there ya go. And I'm trying really hard not to be this and there really is no excuse and its really not fair for me to use the fact that I am a girl...but I just feel needy and depressed right now. And I want to tell Chris to buy a plane ticket but I know better than that and I know that we need the money for Germany and "the future" and I know that tomorrow I will feel a lot better (hopefully), but right now I just feel a little selfish. Maybe its because of where I live, everyone is pretty much selfish all the time. Maybe it is finally rubbing off on me. Or maybe I am just maintenance needy. Or maybe I just needed a little attention.

Dr. Seuss

I said what I meant and I meant what I said. An elephant's faithful 100%.

Horton hears a Who is one of my new favorite movies. It is hillarious, precious, witty, and has a great moral message in the end. Horton will teach your children faith, love, how to believe in yourself and other people, how to love your enemies, and forgiveness. And that a person's a person no matter how small. 5 stars and 2 thumbs way up for Horton!

Case Study Part 5

This study of the East German culture evolved from a personal passion for the people of East Germany and a desire to inform the world of a culture that has not received much attention in its short life. However, as I have continued to study and interact with the East German culture I have learned a greater importance in studying. The German Democratic Republic and the culture it enforced was a brief time in the history of the German people and yet, the effect that it had proved to be lasting. By studying the culture of East Germany before the GDR and after the GDR, we can more easily understand to what degree people are affected by their culture. During this time we saw a sharp change in the government and a culture forced upon the people. By understanding how the culture and the people were affected by this, we can better understand how sharp changes in government will affect other cultures. Currently, it could help us to better understand how the change to democracy will affect the traditional culture of the Arab nations that is also rooted in many centuries of history. So, although this was a short time in the history of the German people, studying it could prove to be a useful tool in a world that is becoming more global daily.

Case Study Part 4

Perception is reality. This basic theory continues explain the problems people face when communicating, especially across cultures. Perception is defined by Gamble and Gamble as “the process of selecting, organizing, and interpreting sensory data in a way that enables us to make sense of our world.”[1] A person interprets his world based on the way he sees it which is affected by past and present constructs. It is this definition that supports the phenomenological tradition of communication which places the individual’s experience and interpretation as the utmost authority.[2] When studying cultures, this means that knowing how individuals in a culture interpret their experience is crucial for understanding the totality of the culture itself.

Based on this evidence it is important that we take another look at the culture of former East Germany. As Americans, we believe that the fall of the Berlin Wall which marked the end of the German Democratic Republic (GDR) saved the people of East Germany from dire oppression. However, the people of former East Germany voice a different opinion. Their conditions appeared unbearable when the world saw what was on the other side of the Wall in 1989, but the East German citizens, in general, reported living “perfectly ordinary lives.”[3] Although the East Germans had lived under what Americans consider cruel and unusual conditions, aspects of the communist culture had been adopted as the people’s own and helped to shape their new sense of identity. This paper will compare the culture of traditional Germany with the culture of current East Germany to show the influences that communism as a governing power had on the identity of the former citizens of East Germany.

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[1] Larry A. Samovar, Richard E. Porter, and Edwin R. McDaniel, Communication Between Cultures: Sixth Edition. (Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth, 2007), 129

[2] Com Com Com

[3] Mary Fulbrook, The People’s State: East German Society from Hitler to Honecker (London:

Yale University Press, 2005), xiii

Case Study Part 3

Germans also are a much more literal culture. This means that they will directly answer the question that is asked to them. For example, if someone asks an American “Do you have the time?”, he/she would answer by giving the time. If a German is asked “Do you have the time?”, his answer will be, “Yes, I do.” This is also seen in the German language. Oftentimes, if a person knows some basic German words, they can figure out the meaning of larger more complex words because most German words are smaller words put together to create new words. Things are also often called just exactly what they are. A good example of this is Flugzeug which means airplane. The two words put together to create this word are “flug” which means fly and “zeug” which means thing. An airplane in German is literally a fly-thing.

This will be another journal entry.

Case Study Part 2

The GDR introduced what seemed to be a new world for women. In their political ideology, women were equal members of society just as men. The new policy had three major differences from the past treatment of women. They were “(1) the realization of legal equality between men and women, (2) the promotion of working women, and (3) special protection of mothers and children” [1]. Women were granted the rights to government funded childcare, abortion, and employment. Emancipating women was part of the socialist ideology. The Socialist Unity Party passed laws that gave women more rights and allowed them to work outside the home. The Familiengesetzbuch (Family Book of Law of the GDR) that began practice in 1965 had many clauses that treated women as equals to men specifically in the home. For example, the book instructed women and men to have an equal partnership in marriage. Men took just as responsible for the children as the women. Also, the law allowed women to have joint ownership of property with their husbands. The emancipation of women seemed to be a reality in the GDR according to their standards of allowing women to work and supporting them in the home[2].

However, as true with many ideas written down by the GDR, in practice this was not necessarily carried. Women were allowed to work, yet they were given special treatment. They could only work during they day and given tasks that were less difficult than the men. Women were also put into specific types of jobs that supported the traditional stereotypes such as education, health care, and textiles. Ironically, women in East Germany brought home 40 percent of the average household income whereas women in West Germany only brought home 18 percent of the household income[3]. However, they were far from being equal to men. There were deep-set expectations as to the role that women were to play and in a society that continued to be run by only men, the stereotypes that said women were less than men continued to play a major role.

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[1] Kranz 70

[2] Kranz 74

[3] Kranz 73

Talent

I have always said that you fall in love with people onstage. Tonight I finally realized why that is. We watched the movie "Once" which is a really well made independent film by the way, if you are into that sort of thing. And its about a girl and a guy who connect through music. And there is this amazing part where she is playing this grand piano- and he has asked her to play one her songs for him and she gets embarrassed but ends up doing it because when you write music you want to share it and you want someone else to be interested in it. Writing music is not a selfish thing at all. It's meant to be shared.
So anyways it shows a shot from his point of view- the way he is looking at her and I realized that the reason that you fall in love with people when they are onstage or while their playing music or while they are singing or whatever talent it is that they have is because they are doing what God has truly created them to do. By witnessing someone showing their talent you are witnessing a part of themselves that God has created for uniquely them, a deep passionate part that can't be fake or deceptive. You can truly see the person and you can truly see God. God manifests himself through our talents. God shows His majesty, His love, and His beauty through out talents.
And we can't help but watch in amazement and adoration.

Case Study Part 1

German culture dates back over 1500 years and is rich with tradition. Although, the country is smaller than even some states in the United States of America, events throughout history have affected the culture in a way that makes the country uniquely diverse. The twentieth century only accounts for a small percentage of the culture in Germany, and yet the events that occurred have been significant in shaping the German people that the world knows today. The even that had the largest effect on the culture of Germany was the split of the country into two disconnected territories governed by two separate Allied Powers. At the time, the world viewed this as the safest tactic in order to prevent a third World War. West Germany was controlled by America. East Germany was controlled by Russia which at the time was the Soviet Union. Although this seemed fair in the terms of war, the Allied Powers did not realize the lasting effects that this decision would have on the people of East Germany.

Peer Pressure

There is a big difference in what society deems as acceptable as opposed to what an individual thinks is acceptable. If I tell you that society would say that this is true about you, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is true about you. It means that society- the culture that you live in that you are product of- says that you are okay.

Do I really want society to say that I'm okay? Do I really want to live on my own for a year just because I need to learn how to be independent because the individualistic society that I live in tells me that as a person and especially as a woman I need to prove myself? Because in almost every other culture of the world, they would call a person who moves away from their your family and living on your own disrespectful and lonely.

Just something to think about- but just because you have a certain experience in society doesn't mean that it is a universal truth. There is only one universal truth. Everything else is just nurture from whatever environment in which you currently reside....

Girls' Night

I love One Tree Hill night. Yes its true. I love you. And I adore Traci and long talks with her. I love having girlfriends even if they are crazy and dramatic. I can TOTALLY handle the draaaaamaaa.

Love.

SauberMachen

I love German! However, by marrying Chris I don't get to be a German citizen. Deal-breaker much?

Dear Blog, You are getting to be more troublesome than you are helpful. Where were you when I needed you to help me with my Humanities test today? Listen, we have a 25 page paper due by next Wednesday so I'm gonna need your A game. Got it?! Good. Now get some sleep because tomorrow we play with the big dogs.

Love,
Me

Wickedness

Wicked with my Brother
Beach with Barbara
Amazing Palm Sunday Service
Penelope
English Pub with Erin and Barbara
That Thing You Do while studying
Cheesecake Factory
Kidnapping with Lauren
Santa Monica Pier

From back to front, it was an amazing weekend. How did I do all that and study for my test that is at 8am tomorrow morning? It's called Time Management people. That's right. Learn it. Love it.

Now if I could only figure out a way to keep my room clean...

It's not lying. It's looking at things in a different way.

Feel Good Movies

Tonight we saw Penelope. Such a good movie with such a good message.

Its nice to see that Hollywood can produce a really well done movie, with good characters, amazing costumes, incredible set and a message about liking yourself and falling in love with someone who loves you for exactly who you are.

It makes me think about my girls this summer. I would love to show them this movie and talk about the message.

I don't want to change, I like myself just the way I am.

It was similar to the Beauty and the Beast type message. And you know in the end when the Beast turns into the Prince and he's very handsome but then the character that you have actually grown to love is the Beast- so its almost like not the same character anymore. You know thats its good but you've grown to be in love with the other character.

But then ending was perfect- and the music was really good.

The Way It Should Be

This is the way it should be. This is what they meant when they said best time of life.
I'm having the time of my life. I can't wait for what comes next.

Contentment

Had a good talk with Barbara.

Chris saw the Rocket Summer.

Humanities is going to be okay.

I'm going to rock my Case Study paper.

Life is good.

God is so amazing.

Moving Out

I never realized how stressful a poor living situation really can be. Especially when my whole life I have had a really good living situation. But it is extremely uncomfortable to be a place where you are walking on eggshells all the time. I finally realized today as I was drawing my greatest struggle that this apartment is my greatest struggle. And maybe it is my fault. Maybe I don't live well with other people. Or maybe its just the nature of the business. Maybe people in general just have a hard time living together. But I feel like this situation is just really bad.

On a happier note, I've had some really good talks with some really great people in the last few days. And it makes me feel refreshed spiritually- and helps me to see that its okay...this is the important stuff, as opposed to worrying about my horrible awful humanities test on Monday which I totally don't want to take and I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it. If I get a D in that class I will be happy. I mean I don't get D's but still...and I really could use like a B...or an A but that seems a little impossible. Anyways, in the end it all doesn't really matter. 3.4 is not so bad. And in the end One Tree Hill nights, midnight cupcakes, coffee talks, late night talks, praying together- all that is way more important.

Besides, I'm just going to be a missionary, I don't need a degree for what I want to do :)

Renewal

Today was exactly what I needed. I didn't get a whole lot done school wise but I feel really good about life in general with a renewed sense of focus and calmness. However, I have been having a problem speaking the English language. Good thing I am learning German so that I will have two languages to draw from.

My Favorite Things

1. Campus Ministry Kids- Traci, Lauren, Shayla, Tomi, Reuben, Ron, Catherine, Kala, Kayla, Tatiana etc.
2. The Ocean
3. My Small Group- Ryan, Daniel, Aaron, Jessica, Kala, Leann, etc.
4. Coffee Bean
5. Spruzzo's
6. Linda and Thomas
7. My room/bed
8. My car (for argument's sake)
9. Santa Monica (Hear Music store)
10. Dr. Stivers

Okay I don't hate it here so much. :P

Simple Sentences

Tonight I wrote in German- and after not have spoken it for a week I sounded like I didn't know anything. Then I realized that I don't know anything. I sound like a child when I speak it. So I thought I would write my blog in that style tonight.

I am home from break. I am very tired. I would like to go to sleep. I would really like to go back to Oklahoma. I would like to be in Germany right now with my boyfriend. I would like for it to be summer. However, I will finish school soon. I am happy to be home tonight. I will try to make the best of it. My apartmentmates are already stresssful. I am stressed out where I live. I would like a break even though I just had one. I would like a long break and a new start. However, I am really happy with my relationship. I have the best boyfriend in the whole world. It's true. I do not lie.

The End. Love.

Role Models

Its amazing how things in your life change when you know someone is watching. Yes, obviously things are different when you have an authority figure breathing down your neck. But I'm talking about when you have someone looking up to you. They are watching your every move to see how to live life- to see what's cool and what's not, to see what's okay and what's forbidden. This summer I am going to be blessed with the opportunity of holding a position in which a bunch of girls are going to be looking up to me. So as you can imagine, this changes everything- and will change everything.

Is what I'm doing okay? Are they going to look at me and see right through me? Who am I to accept this position? Is my sin too great that I'm going to ruin their lives? Who am I?

But then again, God always picks the least likely for the job.

My power is made perfect in your weakness.

Imperfection

Tonight we learned that we are still learning. And its okay. We made it through. We are a team now and thats whats important. We aren't always going to impress each other or do everything completely right but we have (or will) sign the contract that says we are playing together. AndI love that.

When you fail, I fail. When you succeed, I succeed.
When I'm happy, you're happy. When I'm sad you're sad.

This week has been amazing...and is not quite over yet. It really has given me the energy to finish out this semester. Just a few more weeks. Piece of cake. and then Germany and then summer. I can't wait.

Unconditional Love

There is such thing as unconditional love in this world. Tonight I got a little reminder of that. But sometimes, when the world walks out on people, you shouldn't. And when the world tells you that you should walk out on people...you still shouldn't. I've lived by this philosophy most of my life and people have always told me that I let people walk all over me or I shouldn't take it. I think they are wrong. I am not a doormat. I am not even passive. But I do have this thing inside of me that tells me that no matter what people do to you, you shouldn't give up on them. And I really think that is what God is trying to teach us. Its not the people that you don't know or the lost or whatever...its the people that you love most, the people that you are with everyday...the people that you have to choose to love. These are the people that know you and you know...the people that you invest your time and energy into...the people that you invest yourself into. Those are the people that God has put in your life to love unconditionally, just as He has loved you unconditionally.

Unconditionally- without condition, no matter what. I love you no matter what. No matter what you do I still love you.

And honestly, I have suffered a lot of heartache from this. But doesn't God cover that, too. To persevere and at the end you will receive the crown of life. Run the good race. Endurance. These are all things that we are taught in the New Testament. Its not going to be easy. In fact, you are going to have much tribulation. But take heart! Because I am on your side. God is taking care of it all. And we are called to give to others the way that we have been given to. Its so hard and in the world's eyes it doesn't make sense at all, and they will challenge you to the bitter end. But in God's eyes, its the way humanity was intended to be. To love each other unconditionally. God calls for a collectivist society, not individualistic. We are supposed to give completely of ourselves for the good of each other- no matter what the cost.

So in the end, a little heartache and frustration seems like nothing.

Childhood

Chris and I went to play in the park today. Its moments like those that I wish that moments like those could happen all the time. Its how I know that I'm ready to be done with college. I'm not done learning, I'm not done reading or writing or actually being a student but I'm done with the pressure that 16 hours puts on you, especially when the world also requires you to have a job, be a minister, and have a social life at the same time. I understand that one day I'm going to have a job and a family and responsibility but for some reason I feel like that not having all the extra pressure that school causes is going to make the rest of life really nice. I want to have park days, and reading at Barnes and Noble days, and making dinner together days. I have one year left and I am going to make the most of it while I can. Its going to be fun hanging out with the girls and planning a wedding, etc. But the days of exploring the world because I want to not because I have to are going to be welcomed with open arms.

All of this to say, I'm considering going to grad school.

Homeade Pizza

Dear Blog,

Today Chris and I made a pizza. We made two different kinds of crusts. The first crust was Pillsbury. It tasted really good but didn't make that big of a pizza. However, once loaded with sausage, bell peppers, onion, tomatoes, oregano and tons of cheese!!, it was delish. The second pizza was the "Just Add Water" kind. It didn't work out too well (hard to work with) but in the end turned out tasting really good and made a huge pizza. I realized tonight how much I like to load my pizzas with toppings. It really made all the difference. And the best part was most of them were veggies. Good deal. Tomorrow night we are making pasta or chicken or having leftover pizza.

Okay so I know you didn't need an extensive description of the pizza that we ate tonight but I gave it to you because Chris told me to write about the pizza so that I wouldn't forget. Clearly he meant the night that we had together but...well, I was amused with myself.

Anyways, I love Chris and I love "playing house" with him. In fact, I'd like to play house with him permanently. I think that we will. Today I also researched our trip to Germany. I love sitting in Barnes and Noble and reading for hours. I guess the point is that I love having the freedom to sit there for hours and just look through books. Especially travel books. Hopefully, I haven't found my new addiction. Because being addicted to travel books means being addicted to travel and frankly, that could get expensive.

So, a lot more happened today but I'm done writing for now. End.

Better Things To Do

Dear Blog,

It's not that I don't love writing in you, but frankly right now I have better things to do.
Those things are:

1. Be with Chris
2. Watch Boy Meets World
3. Be with Chris
4. Cuddle with Chris
5. Talk to Chris
6. Sleep
7. Be with Chris

Romance

Today was Valentine's Day.

Dear all the Women of the World,

If there is nice a guy out there that has always just been the "best friend" or the "little brother" to multiple girls in his life- he's the one. You should get him. He's the one who respects women so much that he has taken on those roles because of how much he cares for the women in his life. However, he is also searching for companionship. Therefore, you should become his companion as soon as possible because then you will fall in love like you never have before and be loved like you never have before and never will again. Trust me. I know this from personal experience. The nice guy is the one who doesn't show it on the outside but has another whole world on the inside that you should do whatever it takes to get to know. Plus, in addition to everything above it also results in nights full of steak dinner, red wine, and chocolate covered strawberries while watching the Notebook. No joke. :)

I wanna stand on the rooftops, stand on the mountaintops, scream and shout- I want the whole world to know what I'm all about...

Overseas Trips

We booked our tickets to Germany tonight...officially, which means we are going. We are absolutely, for sure, going to be on that plane in May. I am ecstatic. I can't wait. And I also can't help but think that Chris and I are going to be even more in love after this trip. I know. You didn't think it was possible but yes, I think it will be true.

Also, tomorrow is Valentine's Day...well, our Valentine's Day. And, honestly, I didn't really care about Valentine's Day until Chris got so excited and into it. And now I think I'm going to love Valentine's Day because, well, let's just say he always does really good. And it makes me feel good that he gets so into the planning and everything.

Everyone knows that I'm his favorite girl :)

Kissing

I’m back home for the weekend. It feels so good. Chris picked me up at the airport and then we went to get On The Border and walked around Petsmart waiting until we could get my bag which obviously was on a later flight.

When I kiss Chris, everything just feels so right. I feel safe with him. But then when I see people who are going through divorces and things it scares me into thinking what if we are too young? Or what if we are doing this the wrong way? I really don’t think we are. And maybe you can’t tell until later. Maybe its not about knowing right now whether this is “right” or “wrong” but maybe its simply that I am making a choice and that choice is to love you for the rest of our lives. Maybe Carissa knew what she was talking about when she told me that about Joel. Maybe its not about knowing but rather about choosing.

I want to choose him. I’m going to choose him. And I know that it will be a good choice.

Spring Break!

Dear Blog,

Its time for Spring Break! Finally. All the papers have been written and test have been tooken and now I get to see my amazing fantastic boyfriend and my family and spend the week with him. Its going to be great. And a much needed relaxation from everyone here, especially my apartment. Thank goodness I only have to live here for 2 more months after we get back. Okay, I love everything. The end.

Reason #29 why I love my boyfriend: Because we stick together (like gummy bears).

Laughter

I get to pick you up at the airport! I'm so lucky!

This is a tribute to my boyfriend because he makes me laugh, holds me when I cry, and helps me to become a better person everyday. He is my knight in shining armor and my hero.

He is on my blog right now because he is the one that keeps me updating every night. Many a night I would have forgotten had it not been for his gentle reminder.

We're going to get married you know. Some people say that its too soon. Maybe. Oh well, I guess we will just work it out. :) Good thing I know his heart well enough to trust that we will make it through this life happy together.

I love love. I love him.

New Beginnings

Today I feel like a different woman. I feel like a new person. I feel so good about life and love and where life and love are going. I also got my haircut and I am way cute. I can't post a picture of it yet though because Chris has to wait until Friday to see it. Yup, thats right. FRIDAY!!! I can't wait. I can't believe its already Spring Break and then we have the entire summer together. Its going to be such a blast. :) I love everything. I can't wait for the summer/the rest of our lives. God is so good and has blessed us so much. Amen.

Just Friends

Can guys and girls be just friends? It's an age old question. The answer: no.

Controversial, you say? Here's my argument based on cold hard evidence (my opinion). Guys and girls cannot be just friends because at one point or another one of the two parties has considered what a relationship would be like with the other person. And guys if you don't believe this is true, think about this. Just about every girl you know has tried out her first name with your last name even if it was just to see. And if that is not enough proof for you then I'll continue. Also, think about it this way. There may be some person that you are thinking of that you are saying "We are totally just friends and I have never thought of them that." My argument: if its not you thinking it, then its them.

Guys and girls can be acquaintances. They could even have a couple of good platonic conversations. However, intimacy is not okay between just friends and that is what happens if it goes further. Intimacy means that you are not just friends but rather are getting emotional fulfillment from that person. Emotional fulfillment from a member of the opposite sex means that you are either dating them or should be dating them because intimacy should be reserved for those type of relationships.

Okay, I really have a lot more to say on this topic but I will conclude with this. Don't be stupid. We make excuses all the time to quiet the dissonance that we are having about certain things. Guys and girls cannot be just friends and once you come to that realization you will have much happier, more successful relationships in all aspects of your life. Get a clue, face reality and you will realize that I am right.


Reason #44 why I love my boyfriend: While I thought we were just friends, he was definitely hoping for the day that it could be more than that. Good thing it worked out for him!

6 months!! :) Who knew? (Apparently him.)

Definitely, Maybe

Today Barbara and I had our girls day which was really fun. Part of it was seeing Definitely, Maybe. We definitely thought that it was going to be a good movie. Maybe we were wrong...

Very well done movie: Definitely.
Should have had a more well done message: Maybe
Excellent acting: Definitely.
Advocated principles I don't support: Maybe.
Will it get good ratings: Yes.
Should you go see it: Maybe not.

It was your typical Hollywood story advocating romance that doesn't exist in real life. Pardon me if I sound cynical?

Frankly too right now I don't really want to write about this. But I will definitely talk more about this tomorrow and maybe you can understand better. (Too much?)

Need for Attention

I'm not sure what my deal is tonight but I am just in desperate need of attention. Its not like I haven't had attention all day and yesterday and tonight. I just need it. I'm such a girl sometimes, I guess. So anyways,

Tonight Barbara and I watched Mean Girls. I think I will use it in my ministry this summer with the girls. It has a really good message...a really good Christian message in fact. There are some questionable uses of language throughout it but I think its ridiculously applicable to preteen/teenage girls today. So...yeah. Also, I think I want to use Juno. Great movie. Totally relevant.

Beauty. Okay the end.

Love.



"The Perfect Ending"

Taken in context,
It's not a bad thing,
But when you start to pick it apart,
It gets so depressed,
It's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity,

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings,

You peel back the layers
And get down to the inside,
But sometimes you loose sight,
Of what it was you were trying to find,
And it's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings,
No perfect endings.

Celebrations

Tonight was Kala's birthday and my firs official episode of Lost. My review of Lost: not the worst show ever, very intriguing and well done. However, it is not the hype that it cracked up to be. Then again I guess people could say that about OTH, too. And then I might hit them. With something large and hard. This is going to be a good weekend and next week even bette.r Can't wait. Love.

the Song in my Heart

No one has ever wanted me to sing for them before, but Chris does. And I love to sing. I mean, I don't do it well but I really love it. Someone once told me that I have a song in my heart.

A true friend knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words. -From Katy at some point in life

That's how I feel about Chris. He knows the things that make me happy. And he probably knew that I loved to sing, which was the only thing he needed in order for my singing to be beautiful.

Isn't it the truth that when a man truly loves a woman that she becomes more beautiful to the rest of the world? I think so. At least, I feel much more beautiful and because Chris can see it, I think it makes other people look for it, too. Too bad he got there first :P

It's a beautiful thing to be loved and more beautiful because of it.

Blogs of Note

New Goal: To get on Blogs of Note. Yes, I know. It is a noble goal. I think it is going to have to consist of longer entries that once again, help mankind, are somewhat witty, and keep people's attention. I could totally be a journalist. So here's my chance to prove it to the world. Only, not tonight. Tonight I have to go to bed.


Reason #241 why I love my boyfriend: Because he's so dangerous ;) He's a bad boy in that really good boy kind of way.

Reason #242 why I love my boyfriend: He's my hero.

Girlfriends

Tonight the girls came over and watched One Tree Hill. Sorry this blog is not helpful to mankind except for the fact that all girls should have good girlfriends and watch some soap operay TV show together and talk about boys and engagement rings,etc. So that's what we did. And you know when you get girls together they really do laugh a lot more than they would in normal life. And I love love love talking about mine and Chris' wedding. And as much fun as it is talking about it with him, there's just an excitement that other girls get that feeds my excitments and well you know...so it was a blast and I can't wait for the next year when we are all planning weddings :)

Helping Mankind

Here is the first blog that should be beneficial to your life:

The album by Arcade Fire called "Neon Bible" is well, not that impressive. I knew in advance that I wasn't that big of a fan of this band but I thought 'Why not give them another try?' People I know in my life of whom I greatly respect their music taste enjoy the musical happenings of Arcade Fire. I, however, do not. Maybe I have passed this stage in my life in which this kind of music is enjoyable. Either way, not to impressive. However, the name is good and the lyrics are also pretty good. It's a decent album but not something I will be listening to a lot.

Another album given to me today was "Is This It" by the Strokes. Now let me ask you this: When have The Strokes not been pleasing. I mean honestly, think of the last Strokes song that you didn't like. And this album was just as good as all the rest. And it is really good driving music. Like, I could take a road trip to this album. Definitely worth your time and adding to your iPod.

Recently, I have also started listening to Kate Voegele. She appears on "One Tree Hill" as Mia. Her most recent album is excellent, especially if you are a girl. Although, it would be better music if I still hated men and had just gone through a break up, I have no reason not to support her musical talent, passion, and pretty good acting skills. When I saw her I thought, "Man, I wish I was a rocker chick." True story.

Finally, is the new Jack Johnson album. Very disappointing. Don't get me wrong. If this is the only album you have heard of Jack Johnson's then you will probably be very pleased. His music is good. However, real talent is keeping your style but showing some creativity and variety. Jack Johnson does not do this. All of his songs sound exactly the same. The same chords and feeling with different lyrics. Unfortunately, even the lyrics are similar. Not worth your money. Maybe if someone gives you this album or if you need some extra tunes for a beach day you could burn it but overall no impressive.

Just to justify the previous music reviews: for those of you that are unaware, I have impeccable taste in music. I am a music connoisseur which is not snobbery but just sophistication.

New Favorite Song of the Week: Technicolor Eyes by Backseat Goodbye


P.S. Everyone should listen to the Rocket Summer.

Making Resolutions Better

Dear Blog,

You are going to get better. In fact, you may even have a name soon although I am partial to the name blog. However, I am now resolved to pay more attention to you, to write in you earlier in the day, to put substantial information about my thoughts and the world in you, to help people through you. You are my instrument, my tool, my outreach to the entire human society (almost) and from now on I'm going to do my best to start treating you that way. So here's to making you better. Who ever said you couldn't change the world through a blog?

Keeping Up Resolutions

I am getting really worn out with this blog because I always write in it really late at night. I wish that I would use it for its real purpose. Maybe that should be my new resolution is to use the blog how it should be used.

Reasons I love my boyfriend:
1. He's extremely good looking.
2. He always wants to take care of me.
3. He talks to me in his sleep.
4. He's an amazing man of God.
5. He takes an interest in what I'm interested in.
6. WE ARE GOING TO GERMANY TOGETHER.

Love. End.

Multiple Happinesses

Good things that happened today:

1. 91 on German Quiz
2. Valentine's Day Package from my mom
3. Great Talk with Ron
4. Got offered an RA position
5. Chris
6. C&Os
7. Juno
8. Chris

Life is really good. This week has been amazing. Just two more and its Spring Break! Hallelujah! Also, I'm going to be an RA. Next year should be very, very interesting...More tomorrow. Love. End.

P.S. Apparently 5's are good numbers too.

Celebrating Love

I'm so in love. And its way fun to celebrate love. I never thought I liked Valentine's Day but I do. And I like Chris. And I like us. And I like hanging out with people for like hours. And I like not caring about school. And I like knowing that its all going to work out. And I like spur of the moment plane tickets. And I love Chris.

Healing

God is so amazing. There has been so much happiness and healing going on in my life in like the past couple of weeks and especially today. I had a great conversation with David and the Chris and I had a really good talk. I feel so good about everything and like everything is headed in the right direction. I think I will update this specific blog more later and write about exactly what happened.
Okay, love. Goodnight.

Energy

I haven't felt this good in so long. And by so long I mean like a month. But regardless, I haven't had this much energy in forever it feels like. And today was amazing. I had class and barely passed a history test. Then work, then dinner with Reuben and got to sit and talk about boyfriends/girlfriends the whole time. Then a good workout/talk with Reuben and Lauren. Then One Tree Hill with the girls and helping Traci with her project. Nothing to exciting but overall amazing.

Things I am thankful for:
1. Chris
2. Girlfriends
3. Good dinners
4. Clean Water
5. Tuesdays
6. One Tree Hill
7. God working in people's lives
8. Feeling not stressed out about anything
9. Getting to have a weekend in Malibu
10. Malibu
11. The movie Definitely,Maybe.
12. My dad buying my mom jewelry for Valentine's Day
13. Being in love
14. Be happy for other people who are love
15. Reconciling with your best friend
16. Spring Break
17. Webcams
18. Grad schools
19. Germany
20. Good music


P.S. My boyfriend is having an eternal dilemma with his life.

Sleep

Dear BLOG

It is way too late to be writing in you. I don't know why suddnely after a month and ahalf you have an identity but you do. Maybe at some point I will name you and give you characteristics. First characteristic: You need sleep. So do I. Let's good to be.d

Goodnight. Love. End.

Mind Games

Dear Blog,

I need to be in bed right now because I did not sleep very much this weekend. I'm going to make this entry very short in hopes that one day this week you will get a complete summary of the weekend and everything that happened. There is a lot on my mind which means I probably won't sleep well tonight. Except that I am really tired. I felt so good after this weekend and now I just feel weird about everything. Remember when there was time to relax in life? Yeah me too. Those were the good ol' days. I think my head is playing tricks on me. I think I need to read more of Captivating. Okay, that's all.

Deine.

Making the Best

I'm going to make the best of everything which means I need to go to bed right now. Goodnight. Lots to write about tomorrow. Love.

Vegas, Baby

Tonight Barbara and I drove to Vegas. It was basically amazing. We are basically best friends. Its basically amazing. It tooks us 8 hours to do what would normally be a five hour drive. However, we did stop for La Salsa, coffee, and In&Out. We are not fatties. In fact, we have very voluptuous curves. And most of the time we listened to amazing music which we actually talked over most of the time. Then we we actually decided to listen to music the CD player went out which forced us to talk even more. And by forced I definitely mean allow. We basically know everything about each other now. We are staying with Brooks and he has a German Shepard mutt. Does anyone else believe in signs because I do? Maybe tomorrow I'll post the playlists to our incredible mixxes but right now I have to go help Barbara prepare for tomorrow. She's going to be basically amazing.

Love. End.

Correct Interpretation

So mine and Chris's song is "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain which is quite possibly one of the most beautiful songs ever written/sung. However, there are some parts of it that are a little confusing. So I was reading online about song meanings, etc to try and figure out what some of it meant. However, there were some really bogus things that people said. So I decided that I would follow the lead of one of the girls and give my own line by line interpretation...the correct way.

"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath"
When I look into your eyes, it takes my breath away.

"Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth"
Although we can see the beauty and majesty of the mountains, we still can't even comprehend their depth. Although he can see her beauty, he can't even comprehend her depth.

"Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love"
Say that we are meant to be and let's have a fairytale with all the characteristics of love

"I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips"
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above"
It's a play on the word hang. He was so deep into pain that it was hanging him. But she has redeemed him.

"I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide"
Another way of describing suicide is destroying of one's own interests. So he's saying that he will be there no matter what and be self-sacrificing for love.

"I'll Be better when I'm older"
Love only gets greater and stronger with time.

"I'll Be the greatest fan of your life"
This line means a lot more to me than it possibly does to other people because I basically confessed to Chris everything wrong I had ever done and this song was his response. This line was what hit me the hardest because its saying that you know everything about me and I know everything about you and still I'm your number one fan.

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed"
"You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead"
In reference to hanging from the gallows of love in previous lines- he is saying that she is his redemption.

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

"I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead"
I've struggled my whole life- the pain was literally killing me but because of you I fought my way back to happiness and freedom.

"Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said"
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

So there ya go. The right interpretation. It's really a beautiful song about finding hope in love even when you thought all hope was lost and becoming a new person because someone believed in you enough and loved you enough that you could be better than you were before.

Reason #4567 why I love my boyfriend: This song.
Reason #2958 why I love my boyfriend: He is the cheese to my macaroni.

Conversation

I love conversation hearts. Here's a good story about them: This one time I was dating this guy who will remain nameless and it was around Valentine's day. Now, V-day was on a Friday and I had made him this Dashboard Confessional duct tape wallet, which was totally cool and amazing at the time. So all week I decided that I would bring him something to school leading up to Valentine's Day. So, one of these days I brought him conversation hearts. And I gave him the box and he kinda looked at me funny. And I was like "What's wrong?" And he was like, "I hate conversation hearts!". Obviously, I was crushed. So then for Valentine's Day he bought me a 5 lb bag of conversationa hearts. How's that for some good conversation?

Reason #2957 why I love my boyfriend: He likes conversation hearts.

End. Love.

Sustainment

WE ARE GOING TO GERMANY!!! No, seriously. We are going. In like 3 months, we will be back in Dresden. Well, I will be back and Chris will be there. Chris will be with me in Germany. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! I am so excited. I am so excited. The end.

Tonight we had our research banquet. It was a lot better than I anticipated. But then again most things that I don't want to do are. We had this amazingly nice catered dinner. And these missionaries spoke which was kind of odd but apparently they fund a good chunk of the research we do during the summer. So they were talking about their mission in Fiji and he said that one of their goals was that their work would be self sustaining. That kinda hit me weird- good weird. Self sustaining...Basically, what he meant was that they wanted a church in which the work would continue after they were gone.

So, now, of course I want that for Dresden. I want mine and Chris's work to be self sustaining. But what if we took it a step further? I mean don't we want everything about our lives to be self sustaining. Don't we want to leave a legacy. But I guess the way that I am really thinknig about it is don't we want even our daily mission work to be self sustaining. Don't we want everything we do in our ministries and when ministering to each other to be self sustaining?

Christ was the perfect example of self sustainment. Look how many years His legacy has lived on. So shouldn't we then want everything we do in His name to be self sustaining?

Another Day

I am so tired. But not like oh I really need sleep tired but just like my body is trying to get well and it's wearing me out!!

I have a German test tomorrow.

I can't wait to be married. And by be married I really mean get married. And by get married I really mean have a wedding and a honeymoon, etc. Maybe I should be a wedding planner. Then I would get to have weddings for the rest of my life. I mean it could be really fun. We'll see what God has in store. He always has something new up His sleeve that is unexpected. So I'll shoot for my wedding first and then Germany and then we'll pick it up from there.

I can't wait for the rest of my life to happen but at the same time it's like I've waited so long for it, I don't really want it to be over yet. So yes I want all of those things but right now I really like anticipating them all. I'm ready to still be young for a little while. And the great thing is, is that I get to.

It just seems like that once you hit 20 life hits the fast forward button. I don't really feel like that yet butI am really nervous about everything going so fast and turning around and realizing I am 50 and my kids have left home, etc.

I really hope that I know Chris in Heaven. Because then there is no fear of this life ever being over. Don't get me wrong. I can't wait for Heaven either but I would feel sad if we didn't know each other there. Because to me right now he is Heaven.

:)

Forgetfulness

Dear Blog,

I almost forgot about you tonight. That would have been extremely tragic because I have been doing so good at keeping up with you. But, alas, here I am not forgetting about you. It's not that I don't love you anymore, its just that its been quite the long weekend and we'll I just have a lot on my mind. I'm not sure about everything but it my horoscope says that something is bothering me and I need to work it out alone and then with my sweetie. I think the horoscope is right. And we talked some tonight about things and it helped me. The new goal is to do something for at least half an hour a day that is something I want to do- a stress release. Oddly enough, this is going to be a really hard task for me. I can't do things like that because I always need to be doing something. But this semester is all about forming better habits so let's just add this one to the list. I mean I am practically going to be a new person by the time this semester is over. It's going to be fantastic. Okay I'm going to bed now. I won't forget about you anymore. I wish that you could somehow remind me, like I wish I could call you or something. Okay, peace.

Bis bald und alles Liebe.

Carefree-ness

Today was completing wonderful and relaxing. I woke up and talked to Chris for a couple hours. Then I had lunch with Kayla and we had an amazing talk about everything basically happening in both of our lives. Then I went over to Traci's and helped her with Bryan's gift. Then I watched Goodbye Lenin with Barbara and we decided we are going to road trip after graduation. It's weekends like these that make me never want to leave. I wish I could have more weekends like these. Next weekend is Vegas and it shall prove to be extremely...well, extreme, I guess. Also, I can't wait til this summer. I love everything. Goodnight.

Sunset Jazz

Tonight Traci and I had the most amazing time! Sunday is Bryan's birthday and then obviously Valentine's Day is coming up soon. So, we went to get stuff for that. One of the places that we went was called "Hear Music". Its a Starbucks but then inside is a music store where you can make your own mixed CD. So we sat for like 2 hours and listened to music and made this amazing CD. And we had such a blast doing it. Let me just say that I am going to go make CDs there all the time. I need to make more money at my job so that I can go make mixed CDs.

But more importantly Traci and I had a really good time bonding and spending time together. I love her.

Okay more about all of this later and RA interviewing, etc.

Love.

Deustcher Brief

Liebe,

wie gehts? Ich bin super! Dieses Semester ist sehr gut! Am Montag stehe ich um sieben Uhr auf. Ich komme zu Schule um acht Uhr an. Ich gehe zu Geschicte um acht Uhr. Um zehn Uhr gehe ich Deutschklasse mit die Lehrerin Frau Stimmel. Ich lerne Deutsch am Montag und Dienstag und Donnerstag und Frietag. Ich lerne Deutsch schrieben heute. Am Montag ich gehe zu Musik um zwei Uhr. Ich lerne Klavier. Ich mag das Klavier. Ich gibe es Abendessen um achtzehn Uhr in meine Wohnung. Um neunzehn Uhr rufe ich meine Mutter an. Um zwanzig Uhr dusche ich mich. Um Mitternacht gehe ich ins Bette.
Am Wochenende gehe ich gern ins Kino. Aber ich mache meine Hausaufgabe fur Deutschklasse, Sozialkunde, Linguistik, une Geschicte.
Ich schriebe vieder. Ich vermisse dich!

Bis bald und alles Liebe.
Deine.

Patience

I want to do it the right way. I want in the end for it to be done right.

I want us to be financially stable. I want to have the perfect ring and an amazing wedding. I want to have an apartment and a dog and move to Germany and have children and grow old. I want to reach our dreams and live the life we have imagined.

But mostly I want to do it together. There's nothing that I can think of that I want to do without you. And I want all of that.

I guess my question is why do we have to wait? What about now? What about today?

Here's the other thing. There is very little in my life that I haven't gotten. On the contrary, Chris has had to work for everything he's has. As you can imagine that presents somewhat of a problem when discussing money. In my mind, money always works itself out. In Chris's mind, money always needs to be considered and you might have to say no to one thing in order to get another.

I bet that I could find a ring that I liked just as much for $3000 and put the other $2000 towards Germany. I know that is not the only issue. And I understand, I do. I get the logic. It's just so hard for logic to make sense in my head.

Especially when we've wanted to go together so bad and now we can...we'll maybe.
I mean seriously, we talk about nothing else...nothing. But then I want to get engaged and have a wedding and get married all within the next 2 years, which also takes money.

I hate money. I hate that money dictates life. Here are two songs that will say it better than I can right now...love.

I wanna do it all by Terri Clark
I'm sitting in traffic
For the 5th year in a row
Wasting my time
Just to get
Where I don't even wanna go
I started jotting things down
On a krispy kreme sack
Everything I'd do
If I could leave this place
And never look back

I wanna do it all
Visit Paris in the fall
Watch the Yankees play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads
Down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

I want to drink tequila
Down in Tijuana
Say why not
When somebody says
Hey do you wanna
I wanna get my heart broke
Once or twice
Settle down with the love of my life
Rock little babies to sleep at night

I wanna spend a day
Every now and then
Just doin what I want to do
When I wanna do it
Anytime I wanna do it

I wanna do it all
See Niagara falls
Fight city hall
Feel good in my skin
Beating the odds
With my back to the wall
Try to rob Peter
Without paying Paul
I wanna do it all

Anyway by Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building
something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and
you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray it doesnt always
turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy and its hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart,
for all the right reasons,
and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing
a song you believe in
that tomorrow theyll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway

Unconditional Love

If you don't believe our love can make it a year then why are we talking about forever?

No matter what.
Even if they take away all my memories
I will fight to remember you.
Follow me to destiny
Me for you and You for me
Sing to me our song
Take me to a place called "home"
Run from all that tries to destroy
Hide in the deepest places
No matter what
They'll never be able to take this from us
We'll always, always
Have us.

a Different Message

Tonight I saw the Laramie Project. I had read the play and seen the movie previously so I knew everything that was going on and what was going to happened. I was convinced that it was a human rights play that arguably had a Christian message. Tonight it most definitely felt like a gay rights play. I'm not so sure how I feel about advocating that.

Overall, I thought that the message should have been one of the doctors lines that talked about how no matter who we are...we are all God's children.

More on this tomorrow.

Love.

Interdependence

We are teaching women today that they should be strong and independent. Learn to live life without a man. Learn to have happiness on your own. Convince yourself that you don't need anyone else but you are beautiful by yourself and with God.

Here's the problem with that. God created us for each other. Not even specifically for romantic relationships but just as people in general we are created for each other.

The Japanese are a "sweetly" interdependent culture while the United States is a strongly independent culture. What's interesting is that in the United States if we are dependent on someone else we are seen as insecure and unstable. In Japan if you are too independent you are viewed as selfish and rude.

I guess my major thoughts on this are why do we teach cultural values such as independence in the church setting (which makes the automatically associated with our Christian walk) when in fact that may not be the best or right way. Why do we as Americans think that is so bad to depend on one another? In Japan, you just count on each other. It is an unspoken way of living in which everyone counts on everyone else and everyone is dependable and reliable. You can't find those characteristics to often in the US. But we are so ethnocentric that we believe our way is better and right. And yet, think about what it would look like if we did things a little bit more collectivistically like the Japanese. Then think about this, which was is truly more Biblical? Was Christ dependent or independent?

*steps off soapbox*

Peaceful Reminders

Today we climbed this tree. It was a combination of facing one of my biggest fears and seeing God's creation at it's finest. One of the things that I love about doing things like this is that no matter what else is going the only thing I can possibly think about is getting up and down that tree without falling. This along with many other events of the day was a huge reminder of the work that God is doing in my life and basically just of God's prescence in my life. There a re few major changes that I plan to make to get back on track and refocus. And by I, I mean God because mostly what I'm going to do is just look to Him and let Him take control. I feel so much better about everything. Life is good. God is good and He is working everything out exactly as it should be according to His plan. Greater details tomorrow.

Deceptive Smiles

In Japan, there are two faces- the public face and the private face. The public face is similar to the American "poker" face. The keep a straight business with everyone until they are on a deeper more intimate level. At this point, revealed to you is their private face. With their private face they can show emotion and even make eye contact. Another interesting difference is the Japanese smile. Japanese only smile to hide emotion. If a Japanese person is smiling they could be feeling a myriad of emotions ranging from happy, sad, ashamed, fearful, etc.

They say that the Japanese are almost polar opposites to Americans. Some of the reasons are those listed above. I would argue that we are a lot more alike than we seem to believe. Yes, the Japanese are more collectivistic and we are more individualistic. Yes, they have different traditions. Yes, there are some major cultural differences. But when it comes to showing and hiding emotion I would argue that Americans are not a far cry from their Japanese brother.

Especially myself. Take the smile for example. I smile when I'm hurting. I smile when I cry. I smile when I'm acting. I smile when I'm helping. I smile when I'm happy. There are a few times when you can tell the difference between a public smile and a real smile. Most of the times these only happen in my room or in the comfort of someone that I'm very comfortable and intimate with. Most of the time I don't even notice. I've always thought myself to be a happy, optimistic person. And I would still say that I am. However, I've realized that I laugh a little less than I used to and I don't smile for real very often. It's a interesting paradox that I didn't even realize I was living in.

I think that maybe I'm in a place where I'm afraid to laugh. There's so much stress and so much pressure. There's so much confusion and so much doubt. There's so much to do and it never stops. But then again, maybe that's just life. Maybe I need to learn to laugh now so that when life continues to happen later I will already know what laughing and smiling feel like. Maybe I should allow for the little things to be the greatest joys in my life. Maybe that's why I like Stranger than Ficton so much.

I'm a Crab so it apparently takes a lot to get me to come out of my shell. I feel like I have been hidding in the comfort of my shell a lot recently. I think I have been terrified to come out. Then I will for a little bit but it takes the slightest thing and I'm gone again. Maybe its a lack of trust for life and the rest of the world. Maybe I'm still angry at the world. I'd like to think that its all just part of the healing process. The world and I are learning to trust each other again.

And once we have found that trust, maybe next we can learn how to laugh, again.

Procrastination, Passion, and Paradox

I am already so behind on my reading. I don't think I'll ever catch up. Okay that is somewhat of an exaggeration. Its just that I don't have the weekends and it is kind of freaking me out. And I wrote everything into my planner today and just realizing when projects are coming up and when papers are due, etc also kind of freaked me out. This semester is going to FLY by. I mean it's practically already over. Okay, not really but seriously, 4 more weeks- spring break. After Spring Break, a couple of tests, a big project, finals and BAM! done. And get this. I will officially be senior status. It's true. I have enough credits that they already think that I'm a senior right now. How weird is that? We are going to be seniors- as in graduate- as in the rest of our lives- as in no more school...

Except let's face it. I'm a communications major- I'm going to HAVE and WANT to go to grad school for communications. It's true. I know its gonna happen. So, I guess I shouldn't give up on it. Wouldn't it be cool if I could get my masters at the University in Dresden? Okay, I know that is big time dreaming- especially because there's no possible way I could write my thesis in German but let's be honest- it would be cool.

So anyways, I'm so ready to get out but at the same time I'm not. I'm so ready to be married but at the same time it scares me so much. I'm so ready to move to Germany but then again I'm nervous. I think I live in a constant state of paradox. Here's a little quote from Ever After to better help explain the mystery that is myself:

Henry: How do you do it?
Danielle: What?
Henry: Live each day with this kind of passion. Don't you find it exhausting?
Danielle: Only when I am around you. Why do you like to irritate me so?
Henry: Why do you rise to the occasion?

Creativity

Today in small group we worshipped creatively. It was actually really awesome. I decided two things from this experience: #1 I love you blog. #2 I need to do more creative things in my life because I have forgotten how much that is my outlet. So the new goal is to fingerpaint all the time, or some variation of that. The other new goal is to be a little more creative in my blogging and maybe try to not do it so late at night. Since I do it so late I kind of give up on anything meaningful, although sometimes I get it. So I think after a month of just using this because it was my New YEar's Resolution I think that I am going to start using it for it's intended purpose. Starting tomorrow of course because right now I am way too tired. Btw, I am so behind on my school work. And by behind I mean like 4 books behind. What's funny is that almost everyday I get another book behind. I shouldn't have taken such a reading intensive semester. However, I don't think I had much of a choice. I think my life is going to be reading intensive from this point forward. I think I'm okay with that. I just need to sleep more so that I can be more awake when I'm reading. And I need to not read on my bed but in better learning environments. Maybe I should check out the library every now and then. It's a good thing they have a big university in Dresden. True story. Speaking of German- wearing me out. Oh goodness...week three is almost over and I am already exhausted. Here comes spring semester....ready or not! Love.