Deustcher Brief

Liebe,

wie gehts? Ich bin super! Dieses Semester ist sehr gut! Am Montag stehe ich um sieben Uhr auf. Ich komme zu Schule um acht Uhr an. Ich gehe zu Geschicte um acht Uhr. Um zehn Uhr gehe ich Deutschklasse mit die Lehrerin Frau Stimmel. Ich lerne Deutsch am Montag und Dienstag und Donnerstag und Frietag. Ich lerne Deutsch schrieben heute. Am Montag ich gehe zu Musik um zwei Uhr. Ich lerne Klavier. Ich mag das Klavier. Ich gibe es Abendessen um achtzehn Uhr in meine Wohnung. Um neunzehn Uhr rufe ich meine Mutter an. Um zwanzig Uhr dusche ich mich. Um Mitternacht gehe ich ins Bette.
Am Wochenende gehe ich gern ins Kino. Aber ich mache meine Hausaufgabe fur Deutschklasse, Sozialkunde, Linguistik, une Geschicte.
Ich schriebe vieder. Ich vermisse dich!

Bis bald und alles Liebe.
Deine.

Patience

I want to do it the right way. I want in the end for it to be done right.

I want us to be financially stable. I want to have the perfect ring and an amazing wedding. I want to have an apartment and a dog and move to Germany and have children and grow old. I want to reach our dreams and live the life we have imagined.

But mostly I want to do it together. There's nothing that I can think of that I want to do without you. And I want all of that.

I guess my question is why do we have to wait? What about now? What about today?

Here's the other thing. There is very little in my life that I haven't gotten. On the contrary, Chris has had to work for everything he's has. As you can imagine that presents somewhat of a problem when discussing money. In my mind, money always works itself out. In Chris's mind, money always needs to be considered and you might have to say no to one thing in order to get another.

I bet that I could find a ring that I liked just as much for $3000 and put the other $2000 towards Germany. I know that is not the only issue. And I understand, I do. I get the logic. It's just so hard for logic to make sense in my head.

Especially when we've wanted to go together so bad and now we can...we'll maybe.
I mean seriously, we talk about nothing else...nothing. But then I want to get engaged and have a wedding and get married all within the next 2 years, which also takes money.

I hate money. I hate that money dictates life. Here are two songs that will say it better than I can right now...love.

I wanna do it all by Terri Clark
I'm sitting in traffic
For the 5th year in a row
Wasting my time
Just to get
Where I don't even wanna go
I started jotting things down
On a krispy kreme sack
Everything I'd do
If I could leave this place
And never look back

I wanna do it all
Visit Paris in the fall
Watch the Yankees play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads
Down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

I want to drink tequila
Down in Tijuana
Say why not
When somebody says
Hey do you wanna
I wanna get my heart broke
Once or twice
Settle down with the love of my life
Rock little babies to sleep at night

I wanna spend a day
Every now and then
Just doin what I want to do
When I wanna do it
Anytime I wanna do it

I wanna do it all
See Niagara falls
Fight city hall
Feel good in my skin
Beating the odds
With my back to the wall
Try to rob Peter
Without paying Paul
I wanna do it all

Anyway by Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building
something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and
you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray it doesnt always
turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy and its hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart,
for all the right reasons,
and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing
a song you believe in
that tomorrow theyll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway

Unconditional Love

If you don't believe our love can make it a year then why are we talking about forever?

No matter what.
Even if they take away all my memories
I will fight to remember you.
Follow me to destiny
Me for you and You for me
Sing to me our song
Take me to a place called "home"
Run from all that tries to destroy
Hide in the deepest places
No matter what
They'll never be able to take this from us
We'll always, always
Have us.

a Different Message

Tonight I saw the Laramie Project. I had read the play and seen the movie previously so I knew everything that was going on and what was going to happened. I was convinced that it was a human rights play that arguably had a Christian message. Tonight it most definitely felt like a gay rights play. I'm not so sure how I feel about advocating that.

Overall, I thought that the message should have been one of the doctors lines that talked about how no matter who we are...we are all God's children.

More on this tomorrow.

Love.

Interdependence

We are teaching women today that they should be strong and independent. Learn to live life without a man. Learn to have happiness on your own. Convince yourself that you don't need anyone else but you are beautiful by yourself and with God.

Here's the problem with that. God created us for each other. Not even specifically for romantic relationships but just as people in general we are created for each other.

The Japanese are a "sweetly" interdependent culture while the United States is a strongly independent culture. What's interesting is that in the United States if we are dependent on someone else we are seen as insecure and unstable. In Japan if you are too independent you are viewed as selfish and rude.

I guess my major thoughts on this are why do we teach cultural values such as independence in the church setting (which makes the automatically associated with our Christian walk) when in fact that may not be the best or right way. Why do we as Americans think that is so bad to depend on one another? In Japan, you just count on each other. It is an unspoken way of living in which everyone counts on everyone else and everyone is dependable and reliable. You can't find those characteristics to often in the US. But we are so ethnocentric that we believe our way is better and right. And yet, think about what it would look like if we did things a little bit more collectivistically like the Japanese. Then think about this, which was is truly more Biblical? Was Christ dependent or independent?

*steps off soapbox*

Peaceful Reminders

Today we climbed this tree. It was a combination of facing one of my biggest fears and seeing God's creation at it's finest. One of the things that I love about doing things like this is that no matter what else is going the only thing I can possibly think about is getting up and down that tree without falling. This along with many other events of the day was a huge reminder of the work that God is doing in my life and basically just of God's prescence in my life. There a re few major changes that I plan to make to get back on track and refocus. And by I, I mean God because mostly what I'm going to do is just look to Him and let Him take control. I feel so much better about everything. Life is good. God is good and He is working everything out exactly as it should be according to His plan. Greater details tomorrow.

Deceptive Smiles

In Japan, there are two faces- the public face and the private face. The public face is similar to the American "poker" face. The keep a straight business with everyone until they are on a deeper more intimate level. At this point, revealed to you is their private face. With their private face they can show emotion and even make eye contact. Another interesting difference is the Japanese smile. Japanese only smile to hide emotion. If a Japanese person is smiling they could be feeling a myriad of emotions ranging from happy, sad, ashamed, fearful, etc.

They say that the Japanese are almost polar opposites to Americans. Some of the reasons are those listed above. I would argue that we are a lot more alike than we seem to believe. Yes, the Japanese are more collectivistic and we are more individualistic. Yes, they have different traditions. Yes, there are some major cultural differences. But when it comes to showing and hiding emotion I would argue that Americans are not a far cry from their Japanese brother.

Especially myself. Take the smile for example. I smile when I'm hurting. I smile when I cry. I smile when I'm acting. I smile when I'm helping. I smile when I'm happy. There are a few times when you can tell the difference between a public smile and a real smile. Most of the times these only happen in my room or in the comfort of someone that I'm very comfortable and intimate with. Most of the time I don't even notice. I've always thought myself to be a happy, optimistic person. And I would still say that I am. However, I've realized that I laugh a little less than I used to and I don't smile for real very often. It's a interesting paradox that I didn't even realize I was living in.

I think that maybe I'm in a place where I'm afraid to laugh. There's so much stress and so much pressure. There's so much confusion and so much doubt. There's so much to do and it never stops. But then again, maybe that's just life. Maybe I need to learn to laugh now so that when life continues to happen later I will already know what laughing and smiling feel like. Maybe I should allow for the little things to be the greatest joys in my life. Maybe that's why I like Stranger than Ficton so much.

I'm a Crab so it apparently takes a lot to get me to come out of my shell. I feel like I have been hidding in the comfort of my shell a lot recently. I think I have been terrified to come out. Then I will for a little bit but it takes the slightest thing and I'm gone again. Maybe its a lack of trust for life and the rest of the world. Maybe I'm still angry at the world. I'd like to think that its all just part of the healing process. The world and I are learning to trust each other again.

And once we have found that trust, maybe next we can learn how to laugh, again.

Procrastination, Passion, and Paradox

I am already so behind on my reading. I don't think I'll ever catch up. Okay that is somewhat of an exaggeration. Its just that I don't have the weekends and it is kind of freaking me out. And I wrote everything into my planner today and just realizing when projects are coming up and when papers are due, etc also kind of freaked me out. This semester is going to FLY by. I mean it's practically already over. Okay, not really but seriously, 4 more weeks- spring break. After Spring Break, a couple of tests, a big project, finals and BAM! done. And get this. I will officially be senior status. It's true. I have enough credits that they already think that I'm a senior right now. How weird is that? We are going to be seniors- as in graduate- as in the rest of our lives- as in no more school...

Except let's face it. I'm a communications major- I'm going to HAVE and WANT to go to grad school for communications. It's true. I know its gonna happen. So, I guess I shouldn't give up on it. Wouldn't it be cool if I could get my masters at the University in Dresden? Okay, I know that is big time dreaming- especially because there's no possible way I could write my thesis in German but let's be honest- it would be cool.

So anyways, I'm so ready to get out but at the same time I'm not. I'm so ready to be married but at the same time it scares me so much. I'm so ready to move to Germany but then again I'm nervous. I think I live in a constant state of paradox. Here's a little quote from Ever After to better help explain the mystery that is myself:

Henry: How do you do it?
Danielle: What?
Henry: Live each day with this kind of passion. Don't you find it exhausting?
Danielle: Only when I am around you. Why do you like to irritate me so?
Henry: Why do you rise to the occasion?

Creativity

Today in small group we worshipped creatively. It was actually really awesome. I decided two things from this experience: #1 I love you blog. #2 I need to do more creative things in my life because I have forgotten how much that is my outlet. So the new goal is to fingerpaint all the time, or some variation of that. The other new goal is to be a little more creative in my blogging and maybe try to not do it so late at night. Since I do it so late I kind of give up on anything meaningful, although sometimes I get it. So I think after a month of just using this because it was my New YEar's Resolution I think that I am going to start using it for it's intended purpose. Starting tomorrow of course because right now I am way too tired. Btw, I am so behind on my school work. And by behind I mean like 4 books behind. What's funny is that almost everyday I get another book behind. I shouldn't have taken such a reading intensive semester. However, I don't think I had much of a choice. I think my life is going to be reading intensive from this point forward. I think I'm okay with that. I just need to sleep more so that I can be more awake when I'm reading. And I need to not read on my bed but in better learning environments. Maybe I should check out the library every now and then. It's a good thing they have a big university in Dresden. True story. Speaking of German- wearing me out. Oh goodness...week three is almost over and I am already exhausted. Here comes spring semester....ready or not! Love.

Second Opinions

You'll need to have your brake pads changed.
I think I'll get a second opinion.

I don't like that guy you are dating.
I think I'll get a second opinion.

You totally look fabulous in that.
I think I'll get a second opinion.

You are a really talented writer.
I think I'll get a second opinion.

It's going to cost $5,000 to replace your floors.
I think I'll get a second opinion.

You're mother has two weeks to live.
I think I'll get a second opinion.

I guess we could rest in the fact that in fact that's all it really is: someone's opinion. In fact, all this life really is is opinions. And that's a fact. I mean isn't it? Think about it. I guess the best way to describe it is this: I see the color blue and you see the color blue. But what if we had both assigned that color the name blue but in fact were seeing something completely different. How would we ever know? The world may never know. So, in fact, it is just that I am of the opinion that those pants are blue. They only have the identity blue because I assigned them that meaning. Otherwise, the are meaningless. It's a novel concept really all based on tons of experimentation and scholarly research. So this entire world is made up based on my perception of reality based on the opinions and meanings. ...

the Toughest Goodbyes

It doesn't get any easier. You think that with time you would get used to it. But it actually seems like it gets harder. I just keep telling myself that there has to be a reason for this and yet I can't really seem to find one. Okay, logically I understand it and I know that in the end we will be better for it. But right now, it sucks...a lot. I miss him already and he's only been gone a few hours. I've cried multiple times today just out of the blue. And I can't decide if looking at bridal magazines is healthy or not. It makes me really happy and excited and I love thinking about our wedding. And what I really like is that right now I have no budget and the sky's the limit. So I can dream really big and so in the end I think it's all going to turn out really beautiful even when I have to get my budget.

My white roses are dying. It makes me really sad. I think they are dying because Chris is gone.

We are going to get a Cairn Terrier to take all around the world with us.

I basically can't wait for the rest of my life to happen.
I guess to problem is that I need to learn how to be happy now.
And most days I am really happy-I just have my moments. And again, I think I let things get to me more than I realize and I think that this is more stress that I actually let on.

It's all worth.

Now here's a kind encouragement (from the Kleenex company):

Do you want to lay your head on my shoulder?
I don't mind if you cry.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out.
Just let your tears run down my arm,
so I can keep them in a blue jar.
We'll drink them later, so just let it out.let it out
Let's take a walk just to clear our heads.
I don't mind that you're holding my hand.
You say you love me, so just let it out.let it out
Your smile is a pleasant change from before,
when you thought that you couldn't take anymore.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out.let it out

Forever

There's nothing that you can do that will make me walk away. You're my best friend and I want you to be my best friend...forever. I guess that's one of the hardest commitments in life. With that commitment, I give to you my life. With that commitment, I sacrifice everything. And yet at the same time it's one of the best thing I have ever said. I guess the easiest way to describe is that all I need is someone to be strong when I can't. And he is that for me and I love being that for him. So it just makes sense. All the pieces are falling into place. And I guess the hardest part is not being together right now. But we'll make it. And this weekend proved to us again that this is so real and so right and that we will in fact make it.

Tell me that we belong together...

I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

Sunsets

Highlight of the week: Today was amazing. I often dream of days like today but rarely do they actually happen. Life should never get too busy to overshadow the possibility of days like today. Let me just say that if being with Chris means that days like today could happen for the rest of my life- sign me up. It's one thing to do something incredible with someone and have a good time. Its another thing to do simple, everyday things and fall even more in love. Tonight we were sitting at dinner and I just looked him and couldn't get over how loved I felt and how lucky I am. Never knew I could feel like this...like I've never seen the sky before...want to vanish inside his kiss...everyday I love him more and more...

So today we got up and went to the store to get breakfast stuff. We ended up making chocolate chip, butterscotch, banana pancakes. It was pure genius and way more fun than plain pancakes. Then we went on a hike down to the beach and walked along the beach. We found mussels and watched our birds and talked. Then on the hike back the sun was setting so we climbed this tree and sat in the tree and watched the sunset over the ocean. I was so nervous my legs were shaking but it was completely worth it. Then we went to the Pet Store because we were talking about what kind of puppy we wanted to get. So we played with this little Cairn Terrier and I was in love. If only I had a house and $700. Then we came home and made garlic chicken and rice and garlic bread and green beans. Earlier Barbara had gotten us some wine and we had that with dinner. That was the moment I was talking about earlier. The more we are together- the more it feels right- the more I want to have dinner with him every night for the rest of my life. Then we sat for a couple of hours and watched The Departed. Not such a great movie but interesting concept. And now he is massaging my feet thus I think this is my cue to go. Okay, love. bye.

Double Dates

Tonight we went on a date with Traci and Bryan. Tomorrow I will have a picture of me with Chris. I wish I had one of the four of us. Anyways...it was a really fun night. We went to this cute Italian restaurant and the improv show. I forgot how much I like them. And it's so much fun to actually do things as a couple. Then apparently we came back and I fell asleep for like an hour and then Chris woke me up so that I wouldn't miss a day and I would be able to keep up with my blog. Apparently, I was fighting with him and told him to leave me alone. But he fought back and still got me up. I know, he's a good boyfriend.

Being Together

Chris is here. So you can imagine what I would rather be doing right now instead of writing in this. However, a new year's resolution is a new year's resolution and good or bad I am determined to keep this one up. And if even if I'm not, Chris is determined for me. Which is really nice on most nights but some nights he's not.

Highlight of the day: Chris is walking down the little moving sidewalk things as I am standing there waiting for him to arrive and what is he holding...a dozen white roses. Are you kidding? How did those things get all the way here? But they did and let's just be honest, if I wasn't enough in love with him already...that made me fall a little harder.

And as much as I like spending time with you blog, I am now going to be with him. LOVE.

Attentiveness

Today I had coffee with Aaron. On Sunday I saw him for the first time since before break. I asked how he was doing and he gave me one of those looks yknow? So I was like let's go out for coffee. And we did and at first he was a little confused and then he exploded telling me everything. And I was like this is why I asked you out for coffee. Here's the thing that everything in this world needs, guaranteed: someone to listen. Although the situation that he is in sucks, it was good what came out of today. Oh, and we talked about sex at church.

Peace

Here's the thing about instruments.

Instruments aren't humans. Instruments don't have feelings. Instruments don't laugh and cry and hurt. Instruments provide joy but they don't feel the joy. Somehow, I am hating this analogy right now. I mean it was good for last night's purposes but when I realized today that I am not an inanimate object it became exponentially more difficult.

I want to be an instrument. It's true. I want God to mold me and use me and send me where he wants me to go. But it's so hard when I let myself get in the way. And it's not a lack of faith. I cry because of the world. The world terrifies me. And thus doubt creeps in and wears away at the beautiful gold finish. But I can't help but shake away that feeling that there's too much that doesn't make sense about the situation.

Unfortunately (I make this sound so sweet and pretty when in fact I have been depressed and crying for like the last week or so), I have allowed those feelings to control my thoughts lately.

I guess I just need someone to listen yknow? I've realized lately that I love to take care of people but I don't ever let people take care of me. It's a scary thing everything that has happened in the past 6 months to me. It's amazing and I love Jesus but with all that change and being on so many highs its not surprising that I hit a low on the way down. And I feel like that's okay. I'm allowed to be like this. Because through it all, I am getting better. But I guess all I am looking for is that affirmation yknow? Just someone that says you are okay. You're life is okay. What you are doing is okay. Keep going. Its good and its getting better.

Pray to me and I will listen.

That's the promise. And He does. And He will.

Peace that surpasses all understanding.

I'm okay. It's going to be okay. It's good and its going to get better.

How I love you child I love you...

Beautiful Music

An instrument doesn't do anything but sit there. That's all its required to do. Only when the musician uses it does the instrument make beautiful music. The instrument can do nothing on its own.

5-8"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples. (John 15:5)

God molds us into whatever instrument He wants, but we first must be moldable. In other words, if I had decided that my instrument was acting- think of the amazing things that I would be missing out on because of my inability to let God mold me.

What about now? If I have decided that my past defines- the past instruments that made mistakes and squeaked and weren't quite right then I will be immoldable. If I let my past dictate who I am and whether or not I am worthy, then I will never be able to live up to God's potential for me. My old life IN NO WAY resembles my NEW LIFE IN CHRIST.

I love Jesus.

Abundant Living

Dear Blog,

Important things that happened today:

1. I read my Germany journal and realized that I had predicted that I would find the "one" this year because it was really on my heart. Apparently God was preparing me. aka I love Chris.
2. The entire Cannon family and myself got in a fight with Brooke and now she is never coming over there again. Hmm...is it our loss or hers? Maybe we should be thankful. Just kidding that is too mean.
3. I picked up the book Praying for the Men in Your Life again and it was very inspiring.
4. Chris is coming to visit on Thursday and well I basically can't wait. He rocks my life.
5. I might get to go to Dresden this summer. Heck yes!

I think that is all the excitement for the day. Its been a good one mostly. Its going to be a long week but an AMAZING weekend.

God is good...all the time.

Love, Me

Good Vibrations

It was a day just like any other. Except for the fact that it was better than all the rest. I slept a lot. And rested. Yes, they are two different things. Everything from the past couple of days has been fixed. Sometimes it just takes me a little time I suppose to wallow and work through things. But I feel really good about everything. And I know so much more about World War I and I'm only on page 27. Oh and Chris's mom said that she could see us ending up together. I feel that is a noteworthy event of the day. Life is good. :)

Love.

Daze

Every step that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have your way in me.

Missionaries aren't supposed to feel this way. One day I would like to change the world. How the hell will I be able to change the world like this? I feel like my chest is caving into itself. For the longest time, all I could feel was lonliness. That feeling superceded all other feelings because it was so great. When I have to deal with this stuff again, it's like that daunting feeling that no one cares and no one ever will care comes rushing back.

You're too much to handle. You're really amazing but you're just too much.

Too much and not enough all at the same time. I'm a walking paradox. It's easier to deal with everyone else's problems so that I don't have to face my own. There are still demons living inside of me that at just the right time show their faces and remind me that they are there. I thought they were gone. I thought I had rid myself of them. I thought I had enough God that nothing else could live inside of me. But its still there. Maybe the problem is not that it will never go away but that I want for it to never go away. Maybe I'm afraid to feel what it feels like without it. Maybe I'm afraid of who I will be without it. Maybe I'm afraid I will lose all of myself. And there's some of myself I don't want to lose. And there's part of me that's afraid of who I will become.

Courage is being able at any moment to give up who we are for who we could be.

Maybe I want for him to give up. Maybe that's why I push to hard. Maybe that's what I've been telling the world all along. Go ahead. Fight. I can break you but you'll never break me. I need someone to be stronger than I am. And that's a tall order you see? Because I can fight back with the best of them. But maybe I secretly want to prove myself right and the world wrong. To prove that no one will ever know me like I know myself, no one will ever understand me. There's just too much and not enough.

Too much emotion.
Not enough stability.
Too much pain.
Not enough strength.
Too much idealism.
Not enough reality.
Too much desire.
Too much fear.
Too much love.
Too much need.
Too much, too much, too much.
Not enough submission.
Not enough selflessness.
Not enough grounding.
Not enough.

I think that I like being this way. That there is so much going on. What's amazing to me is that everyone is this way. Its just that we all hide it really well so then when people feel this way they also feel guilty. Yes, I feel guilt and shame right now. But its not like I can really help it. I feel this way and one thing I have always done is let myself feel. The problem is that I'm not very good at hiding my feelings. Oh, I can act with the best of them don't get me wrong. But I oftentimes don't want to. And its moments like this when I remember everything I put myself through that I don't really care to hide my feelings. Because they hurt so much that my face can't show the half of it.

Lost, Hopeless, Confused, Misunderstood, Rejected, Unwanted, Too much

Can't you see? Its not worth it. I'm not worth it. The whole world thinks that I'm not worth it. Which is not true because there are lots of people who I love and adore and who love and adore me. And for those people I keep on living. Those people make this life worthwhile.

I guess what I'm really feeling is...I thought you knew me. But there's parts of me that aren't so pretty. I'm so tender right now that it takes the smallest thing.

And this summer was a summer of healing. I'm getting better now. But if the person that I thought knew me better than anyone thinks that I'm not...maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm right where I started I've just been able to trick myself into believing differently.

I choose to love you. That sentence makes me cringe a little. Choose as in its not something that just is but I have to work at it.

God doesn't choose to love us. He just does. Unconditionally. God is here. God is working in my heart right now. But I think that He is kind of letting me deal with this for a little bit. Because there's no peace, no hope. Just depression. Deep depression that I felt for so long. Here it is again. 3 years. Can you believe I did that to myself? It's a little bit unreal to me. And yet here it is again. An old familiar friend. Which in turns makes me want to resort back to talking to the people that were a part of my life then. The people that I don't talk to anymore because its unhealthy. And I know that its good and right but its still really hard. I know I'm getting better but deep wounds don't heal that fast.

Its weird because I don't really feel that much right now. I haven't cried. I just feel depressed. Its like this part of me is so numb and I don't feel the pain anymore- just the hopeless depression.

And maybe I'm just dramatic. Maybe a normal person wouldn't feel this way.

Or maybe it was all just too good to be true.

The Astronaut by Something Corporate
Ive been sleeping with ghosts,
Ive been watching stars coming out of the sky
And ive been open and closed,
To the space man movies ill call my life
My life

And ive been climbing the ladder
Ive got tunnel vision but im doing fine
And ive been watching stars coming out of the wall
And maybe if im lucky i can catch them before you fall
You are not alone

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Crawling out of the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high

And ive been holding this microphone
And ive been shouting but i think we're alone
And ive got platinum vision and a tune for your touch
Ive got you to propel me but i still need so much
Not to be alone

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Crawling out of the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high
And you are not alone (3x)

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Crawling out of the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Dissapear in the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high (high)

And ive got you to propel me but i still need so much

Disconnect

I know you.
No you don't.
I mean sometimes you surprise me but I get the gist of it.

The princess and her prince lived happily ever after but the point gentlemen is that the lived.

If there is such thing as happily ever after I don't know that it necessarily comes happily. Happiness is a choice. True? Yes. The hardest thing in life ever? Definitely yes.

So I'm sitting here right now watching the Hills looking at the first wedding magazine I ever let myself buy. Its ironic isn't it? Maybe I jinxed it. I knew I shouldn't have bought one but then again I though just one...just for fun. And there ya go.

I hate this. I hate this more than anything in the entire world. And I'm not quite sure how to fix it or where to go from here. Sometimes it feels like this is going to just swallow me whole. Does everyone feel like this or am I just crazy? Cause thats what it feels like all the time. Its too much for me to handle so why should I ask someone else to handle it too.

Its not over. But I'm not broken. I refuse to be broken. I'm healing. And that takes time. And I just have to let it take time...whatever that means, whatever it takes.

Its just hard when the past can hurt you so much today. I just don't want to deal with it. And I still have to...it always come back. How do you just make it not come back anymore? I don't know.

And I hate ending this way. I hate hanging up like that more than anything. But I have just been selfish through this whole thing so I can't really expect much more. It is my fault. And I recognize that. But maybe right now I need to be selfish so that I can get over this. Maybe the problem is that I've never let myself be selfish for long enough before and now I need to...or maybe its the opposite...maybe I'm too selfish all the time. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. Its all so blurry right now.

And I can't even enjoy my magazine that I've been dying to have. Its not supposed to be like this.

Sophie B. Hawkins - Lose Your Way
I have no confidence
And I can't see why I should
But I could do most anything for you
And you know I would

I try too hard and
Then I give up way too easily
I'm the runner-up inside of you
And you're the winner inside of me

(chorus)
Lose your way
And I will follow
Here today
And here tomorrow
Like my freedom I know
I’ll never let you go

I still wish on the evening star
And I s’pose I always will
Every child loses something
A whole life can’t fulfill
And when you cry I feel the sky
Burst open in my veins
If loving you makes a slave of me
Then I'll spend my whole life in chains

Lose your way
And I will follow
Here today
And here tomorrow
Like my freedom I know
I’ll never let you go.

Walk the line
I’ll walk inside you
Change your mind
Let your love decide you
It’s the reason I know
You’ll never let me go

Never let me go.
Lose your way
And I will follow
Here today
And here tomorrow
Like my freedom I know
I’ll never let you go.

Walk the line
I'll walk inside you
Change your mind,
Let your love decide you

It's the reason I know
You'll never let me go

Finding the Lost

Here is another picture from Chris's webcam. I didn't want to get up and write this because I was laying in bed ready to go to sleep. However, the blog has not been fulfilling its purpose lately because I have been so tired and not putting much effort into it. I swear that this weekend I will. I have been keeping up though...that's good fore everyone.

The good news is I have my bag. Amen! And my picture frame is completely in tact. Once again all is well with the world. :0

Tired-ness

I am too tired to write in this. I'm sorry my entries have sucked lately. Just so you know I have to read 24 books this semester. REALLY? And there are additional optional readings. This should be fun. The end.

Lost Luggage

Picture taken from Chris's webcam. Cool? Yes. This is what I look like after the day that I had yesterday and fighting with airlines still today. My bag still isn't here. I hope that they get here soon. If they don't, I don't know what. I am so tired though. I wish they were already here. I will write more about everything but right now I am a little too tired to put it all down.

So today I realized how beneficial this blog is going to be. Here's why: I had to write a response to a prompt today in my class and I could already tell that writing everyday (even if its just a little) is really helping. My ideas are just flowing so much better and I am able to express myself. So this blog is going to be helpful to everyone involved.

Its going to be a good semester. I still don't know if I'm ready for it but I guess I don't really have a choice

Destressing

Is it weird to think that I wanted to come back to school (from break) so that I could finally get a break? Yes it is weird. Today has been nothing short of crazy and lots of stress. I've cried for probably 3/4 of it. Surprisingly enough I feel really good right now and I'm really glad to be back. However, its really late ( a lot later than it should be) and I have an early class so I'll have to write more on this tomorrow. This picture is of my bear who is my current hero because he has gotten me through this day and break and well everything basically. He's always there for me no matter what. Love it! And yes I'm 5. You know you love it. Goodnight!!

Waiting for the Future

Here's the thing. I'm really in love with Chris. I'm really in love with Germany. I can't wait until I can eat Prinzen cookies all the time. Except that you know that is not what I am looking forward to the most. I just remembered that I am going to be a trainer this semester for LST. I actually can't wait. I think it's going to be wonderful. I feel good about this semester. I hope I'm right. Mostly I hope I can focus.

Relaxation

This is Chris and I on our special date to the Mastergrill :) Love it. Love him. :)

It's weird because it seems like no matter what Chris and I have such a hard time relaxing. Even when we are doing something fun we tend to get so serious. I can't wait for this summer because I'm really hoping that we will actually just get to have some fun together. We will, I'm sure. This break was great because we did have some time where we could just relax, but it went by so fast. I can't believe I'm going back to school on Sunday. If I have ever not been ready to go back to school, its now. And its not even leaving home or anything like that. I literally do not want to go back to class and writing papers, etc. However, I can't justify taking a semester off either because I know as sure as I do that I will never go back to school. So push through. I wish they would just let me graduate early. It looks like I'm going to have to pull too many strings.

I think the other thing is with my relationship with God. Since school has been out, its been really easy to be laxed about that (interestingly enough) and that has put more worry in my mind and made me less at ease. I know that he is going to work everything out the way that its supposed to. Worry is the sin of not trusting God.

Lately on of the main things I have been worried about has been losing Chris. I know that's an odd fear especially at our age but I have this huge fear of us never getting to live the life we have planned together. Like something is going to get in the way and keep us from it. I don't know where this fear came from. I think its partly from the failure of last relationships. All those relationships promised the future, too and none of them could deliver. And now here's another. But this time its different. I hate saying that. I mean its true but I still hate saying that because it sounds so cliche. I just have this fear that we are never going to get there. That something beyond our will and control is going to keep us from each other.

I think this fear comes mostly from the stress of change. I have been so stressed out with so much change recently in my life. It's in a constant state of upheaval. I just need some stability yknow? I just need a house or something stable. And nothing is. That is very insecure feeling. And I think that insecurity is projected on to other things.

I suppose the truth is that Pepperdine has never quite felt like home. It does in the sense that I am comfortable there now but something about it has never felt quite right. I can't feel at ease anywhere in California really. I do like my room though. Its true. But otherwise I feel very insecure about life at Pepperdine. And I think that is the cause of my antisocialness lately. I have to be so careful of that this semester. I can't let myself get into that funk again. It will do noone any good. And its Barbara's last semester so I have to spend a lot of time with her and work on our friendship. I just don't want to yknow? And thats my problem. I don't want to fight them there anymore because I have found happiness here. So what's the point I guess is my thought? There are lots of points and very good reasons as to why I should have relationships with people out there. #1 is because the world does not revolve around me and hinge on my happiness and whether I like it or not God has blessed me with a lot of gifts that the world needs. And its not my job to hoard them but rather to share them and use them to his glory. So maybe what I am supposed to be learning from Pepperdine is selflessness, which is interesting because the culture out there is quite possibly to most selfish in the entire world.

I heard a song the other day that completly described last semester and I think will probably describe the upcoming semester. It's called Wildfires by Alissa Moreno. Amazing right? God speaks to us in ways that we understand. So here it is:

every time you think you won't make it
and each time you're convinced that you can't take it
picture me in this light
think of me, you can fight
i've been chewed up and spit
i've been big, i've been hit
i've been burned but i have learned

that we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires (x2)

when you get the feeling that it's not in you
and all those times remind you of what you can't do
remember me, i've lost and loved
and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used
i've been fooled, i've abused
all my rights to living, but i'm alive

'cause we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

let them come, i'm going to let them take me
let them burn up everything that's made me
'til the end, i swear, i'm never going to let them break me

though i've been crushed, i've been killed
i've been scared, but god, i will
keep on trudging up this crazy hill

we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

when there's no doubt how it's going to turn out
let them burn out, never put out wildfires

Leather Pants

Dear World,

I am a bad friend. We are sick because we smoked. Not really. Katy gave it up for New Years. Tonight we went to bowl with her buddy Corey Starbucks. Remember Corey Starbucks? I do. And let me tell you, he remembers Katy. In fact, I think he has some kind of shrine to her somewhere up in Chicago. She says he has a girlfriend. HA! It's probably a cover up. Maybe he's gay. Maybe that's why he is so nice and wears leather pants. He was definetly an interesting guy. Katy likes him whether or not she wants to admit it. I think she just won't let herself. But then again that's Katy for you. Chris is coming back into town tomorrow. We are going on a hot date. I bought this outfit that its totally not me but I decided that I'm going to wear it anyways and that I'm going to look hot. The End. More tomorrow. For tonight, here's a picture of me and Katy as we have been trying to get Corey Starbucks to text us back. He's a really boring texter. But then again, not many people can be as good as me and Katy. Don't judge us by this picture. Btw, this blog is called leather pants because Corey couldn't stop talking about his leather pants. And while he was bowling he bent over a few times so that Katy could see everything. Too bad she wasn't looking. And too bad they looked horrible. I wish I had a picture of them but that might be even weirder. Okay goodnight.

Love YA!

Mellophones

It's GAME DAY!

Down here in the South, football is a religion. You think that is an exaggeration until you actually experience football in the South. During football season, church service ends half an hour early so that we can get home for the "big" game. All of the games are big games. Imagine this: 85,000 people in one stadium. And that's just college ball. I never watched a Sooners football game before this semester. And I haven't even watched that many. I attended my first college football game in November. I sat in that stadium and all I could think was "If only these people could see themselves". But then I realized that somehow it just ropes you in. It's weird. And you don't even realize it at first. You think that you are just watching the game because your boyfriend plays in the band. And of course, its true. The most exciting part is seeing the band. But then you start singing along with the band, and doing the chants. Then you start to know which chants are supposed to happen at what times. Then you start learning the names of the players. Then one night you are sitting in your living room chanting, doing the hand motions, talking to the coaches and the players on TV as if they can hear you and it all hits you. You're a true Sooners fan. Not because you have to but because you love the team and the game. There is no one in the history of the world who hasn't liked football. Think back to the gladiator games during the times of the Romans. It's true. A football game in the South is reminiscent of the gladiators in ancient times. People have always gotten pleasure out of watching other people knock each other down. At least now we have rules and a little bit of class. And some really cool uniforms, cheerleaders, a band, and t-shirts. Of course, there are t-shirts.

I suppose the most amazing part is how football becomes people's identity. Some schools are defined by their academics, some schools are defined by their grad programs. OU is great because their football team is great. The people of Oklahoma are defined by the greatness of the college football team. And they have plenty of paraphernalia to let you know that. One shirt we saw as we were walking around Norman said "We not arrogant we are just better than yOU." I'm not kidding. And this was in one of the 1,000s of shops that contains millions of different types of OU regalia. Get this. You, yes you, can own your own OU toothbrush. Amazing? I don't know. True? Absolutely.

How much money do you think is spent on football every season. Think about it. 85,000 people for one game in on stadium. How much are tickets? Let's say on average they are $50. Some are a lot more, some a lot less. Do the math. Here I will for you. $4,250,000 on one college football game. Now let's say that 75,000 of those people are wearing an OU shirt or some sort of OU something. And let me tell you, 75,000 is low-balling it. That entire stadium is crimson and cream. So, at $10 (everything is more expensive than this but let's just say) that would be $750,000 spent on paraphernalia. I, myself, own three items of OU clothing. One sweatshirt: $50, Sweatpants: $25, T-shirt: $20. I'm not sure how I feel contributing almost $100 to the OU bandwagon. However, it is a lot of fun. Like I said before- somehow it just ropes you in.

OU is a program that brings out the best in every athlete. What is good about football? It gives people something to get behind. How much does it inspire a young player to do well when there is that many people that believe in you? How much pressure when you are a freshman quarterback and that many people are counting on you? What exactly is it about OU football that brings out the best in every athlete? What exactly does that mean? Does that mean that they have the best team spirit and work the best together as the team? Or is that it brings out individually the best in each athlete and since they have the best individuals it makes them look good as a team? The problem with OU people would claim is their pride. They are so proud of their school, its sometimes a little ridiculous. When your entire family goes to OU, all your shirts are red, you watch every football game...let's just say there is such thing as being excessive. Argumentatively, the best thing about OU is their pride. With that kind of pride, they can't help but be good at what they do. Their quarterback is a freshman who led his team to be Big 12 champions and also maintains a 4.0 GPA. Really? It makes you sit back and look at what you are doing with your life. But, the school should feel good that they can boast something like that. Not only do they encourage good athletics but also good academics. So maybe that's what really defines them as a great school.

Side Comment: This game is ridiculously vicious. They are knocking each other down left and right. I don't even think that either teams is really playing football. They are all so nervous. West Virginia wants to beat one of the best teams in college ball and Oklahoma needs to prove themselves from the loss to Boise State at the same bowl last year. I can feel the tension and I'm only watching on TV. And they are not catching the ball at all, either team. Only twice, and it was two Virigina interceptions. Come on guys, you beat Missouri twice. This should be a piece of cake. It's only the first quarter and they've lost the ball twice already. Virginia is ready, no doubt. But my boys will overcome. They just need to relax. Deep breaths boys. You can do it.
One more thing? WHY IS NO ONE CATCHING THE BALL?? Isn't that one of the first things that you practice in little league football camp? CATCH THE FREAKIN' BALL and this will be a much more interesting game. Next comment: Why the hell are people just running down the field with no one stopping them? This is a little ridiculous. Maybe we should start playing some football.

Prim and Proper

What do I normally write about? Whatever I am feeling or thinking about, I guess. But I don't really want to write about what is on my mind right now because I would rather start the year out positively. That's not really the point of these things is it. It's supposed to help me think creatively and release everything that is going on.

I can't really tell you what has been going on lately. I've been going through a series of different emotions, all extremes. It's been happy and stressful all at the same time. Honestly I would just like a break. It feels like no matter how much I sleep I still don't feel rested. Maybe it's the anticipation of everything to come. Maybe I am anticipating this next semester and having to deal with the stress of school and the stress of long distance again. Also, there's the possibility of graduating early and moving to Oklahoma and getting married, etc. It's all so much. But does it ever stop? It just seems like now its one big decision right after the next.

And then the doubt creeps in. Are any of these decisions actually right? It's amazing how a little less time in prayer can allow room for so many questions. We are so young. But we are so sure. But are we really sure? I'm pretty sure I'm sure. I just don't want us to make a mistake. Barbara's right. The important thing is the communication. And it seems like we get better at it everyday. It's weird to think that being happy can still allow for so much stress. It is really stressful and again, I have a feeling that it doesn't get any easier. If only I could get a good night's sleep. Maybe when I'm sleeping next to him I will. We'll see.

Prim and Proper with a little unique.

You're worth it.

This is a picture of me in my room talking on the phone to Chris (see bluetooth headset) and holding a gingerbread man cookie. This cookies were made by Chris and I for my party last week. We got a little creative and added the sprinkles and peppermints to the cookies. They were really good. However, this was one was pretty stale. I still ate it out of principle.



"Move To The Other Side Of The Block"
So we try and try all of our lives
Working with such pride, making cash just to survive
As we race and grade and judge always
other folks mistakes makes us good to feel that way.

And don't you know, it never stops.
Try to please the world and beat the ticking clocks,
but I, I'm not letting it happen this time.

No, no, because they're rooting I'll fail, and rooting she'll bail,
they feel so secure when I'm in this jail, but I,
I'm not letting it happen this time

So I'll move to the other side of the block
so we wont ever have to stop
making the rounds, having the laughs
singing the sounds of relaxing,
and on the other side of the clock
the power switch will be turned off
and all will be well and time will stand still,
and I will be locked out from my jail.