Relaxation

This is Chris and I on our special date to the Mastergrill :) Love it. Love him. :)

It's weird because it seems like no matter what Chris and I have such a hard time relaxing. Even when we are doing something fun we tend to get so serious. I can't wait for this summer because I'm really hoping that we will actually just get to have some fun together. We will, I'm sure. This break was great because we did have some time where we could just relax, but it went by so fast. I can't believe I'm going back to school on Sunday. If I have ever not been ready to go back to school, its now. And its not even leaving home or anything like that. I literally do not want to go back to class and writing papers, etc. However, I can't justify taking a semester off either because I know as sure as I do that I will never go back to school. So push through. I wish they would just let me graduate early. It looks like I'm going to have to pull too many strings.

I think the other thing is with my relationship with God. Since school has been out, its been really easy to be laxed about that (interestingly enough) and that has put more worry in my mind and made me less at ease. I know that he is going to work everything out the way that its supposed to. Worry is the sin of not trusting God.

Lately on of the main things I have been worried about has been losing Chris. I know that's an odd fear especially at our age but I have this huge fear of us never getting to live the life we have planned together. Like something is going to get in the way and keep us from it. I don't know where this fear came from. I think its partly from the failure of last relationships. All those relationships promised the future, too and none of them could deliver. And now here's another. But this time its different. I hate saying that. I mean its true but I still hate saying that because it sounds so cliche. I just have this fear that we are never going to get there. That something beyond our will and control is going to keep us from each other.

I think this fear comes mostly from the stress of change. I have been so stressed out with so much change recently in my life. It's in a constant state of upheaval. I just need some stability yknow? I just need a house or something stable. And nothing is. That is very insecure feeling. And I think that insecurity is projected on to other things.

I suppose the truth is that Pepperdine has never quite felt like home. It does in the sense that I am comfortable there now but something about it has never felt quite right. I can't feel at ease anywhere in California really. I do like my room though. Its true. But otherwise I feel very insecure about life at Pepperdine. And I think that is the cause of my antisocialness lately. I have to be so careful of that this semester. I can't let myself get into that funk again. It will do noone any good. And its Barbara's last semester so I have to spend a lot of time with her and work on our friendship. I just don't want to yknow? And thats my problem. I don't want to fight them there anymore because I have found happiness here. So what's the point I guess is my thought? There are lots of points and very good reasons as to why I should have relationships with people out there. #1 is because the world does not revolve around me and hinge on my happiness and whether I like it or not God has blessed me with a lot of gifts that the world needs. And its not my job to hoard them but rather to share them and use them to his glory. So maybe what I am supposed to be learning from Pepperdine is selflessness, which is interesting because the culture out there is quite possibly to most selfish in the entire world.

I heard a song the other day that completly described last semester and I think will probably describe the upcoming semester. It's called Wildfires by Alissa Moreno. Amazing right? God speaks to us in ways that we understand. So here it is:

every time you think you won't make it
and each time you're convinced that you can't take it
picture me in this light
think of me, you can fight
i've been chewed up and spit
i've been big, i've been hit
i've been burned but i have learned

that we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires (x2)

when you get the feeling that it's not in you
and all those times remind you of what you can't do
remember me, i've lost and loved
and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used
i've been fooled, i've abused
all my rights to living, but i'm alive

'cause we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

let them come, i'm going to let them take me
let them burn up everything that's made me
'til the end, i swear, i'm never going to let them break me

though i've been crushed, i've been killed
i've been scared, but god, i will
keep on trudging up this crazy hill

we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

when there's no doubt how it's going to turn out
let them burn out, never put out wildfires