Daze

Every step that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have your way in me.

Missionaries aren't supposed to feel this way. One day I would like to change the world. How the hell will I be able to change the world like this? I feel like my chest is caving into itself. For the longest time, all I could feel was lonliness. That feeling superceded all other feelings because it was so great. When I have to deal with this stuff again, it's like that daunting feeling that no one cares and no one ever will care comes rushing back.

You're too much to handle. You're really amazing but you're just too much.

Too much and not enough all at the same time. I'm a walking paradox. It's easier to deal with everyone else's problems so that I don't have to face my own. There are still demons living inside of me that at just the right time show their faces and remind me that they are there. I thought they were gone. I thought I had rid myself of them. I thought I had enough God that nothing else could live inside of me. But its still there. Maybe the problem is not that it will never go away but that I want for it to never go away. Maybe I'm afraid to feel what it feels like without it. Maybe I'm afraid of who I will be without it. Maybe I'm afraid I will lose all of myself. And there's some of myself I don't want to lose. And there's part of me that's afraid of who I will become.

Courage is being able at any moment to give up who we are for who we could be.

Maybe I want for him to give up. Maybe that's why I push to hard. Maybe that's what I've been telling the world all along. Go ahead. Fight. I can break you but you'll never break me. I need someone to be stronger than I am. And that's a tall order you see? Because I can fight back with the best of them. But maybe I secretly want to prove myself right and the world wrong. To prove that no one will ever know me like I know myself, no one will ever understand me. There's just too much and not enough.

Too much emotion.
Not enough stability.
Too much pain.
Not enough strength.
Too much idealism.
Not enough reality.
Too much desire.
Too much fear.
Too much love.
Too much need.
Too much, too much, too much.
Not enough submission.
Not enough selflessness.
Not enough grounding.
Not enough.

I think that I like being this way. That there is so much going on. What's amazing to me is that everyone is this way. Its just that we all hide it really well so then when people feel this way they also feel guilty. Yes, I feel guilt and shame right now. But its not like I can really help it. I feel this way and one thing I have always done is let myself feel. The problem is that I'm not very good at hiding my feelings. Oh, I can act with the best of them don't get me wrong. But I oftentimes don't want to. And its moments like this when I remember everything I put myself through that I don't really care to hide my feelings. Because they hurt so much that my face can't show the half of it.

Lost, Hopeless, Confused, Misunderstood, Rejected, Unwanted, Too much

Can't you see? Its not worth it. I'm not worth it. The whole world thinks that I'm not worth it. Which is not true because there are lots of people who I love and adore and who love and adore me. And for those people I keep on living. Those people make this life worthwhile.

I guess what I'm really feeling is...I thought you knew me. But there's parts of me that aren't so pretty. I'm so tender right now that it takes the smallest thing.

And this summer was a summer of healing. I'm getting better now. But if the person that I thought knew me better than anyone thinks that I'm not...maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm right where I started I've just been able to trick myself into believing differently.

I choose to love you. That sentence makes me cringe a little. Choose as in its not something that just is but I have to work at it.

God doesn't choose to love us. He just does. Unconditionally. God is here. God is working in my heart right now. But I think that He is kind of letting me deal with this for a little bit. Because there's no peace, no hope. Just depression. Deep depression that I felt for so long. Here it is again. 3 years. Can you believe I did that to myself? It's a little bit unreal to me. And yet here it is again. An old familiar friend. Which in turns makes me want to resort back to talking to the people that were a part of my life then. The people that I don't talk to anymore because its unhealthy. And I know that its good and right but its still really hard. I know I'm getting better but deep wounds don't heal that fast.

Its weird because I don't really feel that much right now. I haven't cried. I just feel depressed. Its like this part of me is so numb and I don't feel the pain anymore- just the hopeless depression.

And maybe I'm just dramatic. Maybe a normal person wouldn't feel this way.

Or maybe it was all just too good to be true.

The Astronaut by Something Corporate
Ive been sleeping with ghosts,
Ive been watching stars coming out of the sky
And ive been open and closed,
To the space man movies ill call my life
My life

And ive been climbing the ladder
Ive got tunnel vision but im doing fine
And ive been watching stars coming out of the wall
And maybe if im lucky i can catch them before you fall
You are not alone

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Crawling out of the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high

And ive been holding this microphone
And ive been shouting but i think we're alone
And ive got platinum vision and a tune for your touch
Ive got you to propel me but i still need so much
Not to be alone

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Crawling out of the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high
And you are not alone (3x)

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Crawling out of the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high

Calling out to the astronaut
I need some of what you got
I need to be high
Dissapear in the world she brought
Calling out to the astronaut
I need to be high (high)

And ive got you to propel me but i still need so much