Peace

Here's the thing about instruments.

Instruments aren't humans. Instruments don't have feelings. Instruments don't laugh and cry and hurt. Instruments provide joy but they don't feel the joy. Somehow, I am hating this analogy right now. I mean it was good for last night's purposes but when I realized today that I am not an inanimate object it became exponentially more difficult.

I want to be an instrument. It's true. I want God to mold me and use me and send me where he wants me to go. But it's so hard when I let myself get in the way. And it's not a lack of faith. I cry because of the world. The world terrifies me. And thus doubt creeps in and wears away at the beautiful gold finish. But I can't help but shake away that feeling that there's too much that doesn't make sense about the situation.

Unfortunately (I make this sound so sweet and pretty when in fact I have been depressed and crying for like the last week or so), I have allowed those feelings to control my thoughts lately.

I guess I just need someone to listen yknow? I've realized lately that I love to take care of people but I don't ever let people take care of me. It's a scary thing everything that has happened in the past 6 months to me. It's amazing and I love Jesus but with all that change and being on so many highs its not surprising that I hit a low on the way down. And I feel like that's okay. I'm allowed to be like this. Because through it all, I am getting better. But I guess all I am looking for is that affirmation yknow? Just someone that says you are okay. You're life is okay. What you are doing is okay. Keep going. Its good and its getting better.

Pray to me and I will listen.

That's the promise. And He does. And He will.

Peace that surpasses all understanding.

I'm okay. It's going to be okay. It's good and its going to get better.

How I love you child I love you...